It's almost December. Sheesh. Does time fly. But you know the weird thing? This year doesn't seem to be going as fast as it usually does. It just seems to keep dragging on...and I just want it to either hurry the hell up or at least give me more time to get my head wrapped up in this year. Its just so hard and I'm just trying so hard to hold on. Gawd I feel so bad about saying this due to recent events that have been happening in Gaza but with some of the crap that has been happening this year, I'm just feeling numb. I actually don't know what I'm feeling sometimes but I know I'm sad. Sometimes I don't even know why. And I've been feeling sad and actually kinda alone even though I'm with people who care about me.
I have started this routine for myself at the end of the day where I write what I've done, what I've eaten, how much I've spent and I recently discovered this handy lil calender that I recently downloaded on my iPad has an emotion icon to write how you've felt that day. So I started reviewing the past few weeks. It kinda shocked me that on most days I was just fine. Even when I'm with my best friends or at my fav restaurant or just chilling at home, I've been feeling sad but with happiness due to these facts. But I'm not fully happy....I'm fine. That's not good. Something is bugging me. Something is bringing me down and, especially these dear best friends of mine, they are trying to help me through it. But I just cannot stand all the crap that has happened. Finding out people you trusted the most betray that trust, ppl you thought were so close to you blocking you on FB and deleting you off BBM, friends suddenly contacting you less and you don't know why, friends just not being who you thought they were. You trust them with everything you had and your faith gets shaken. You work so hard for people and they just walk all over you. I feel like I've lost almost everything that was so dear to me at the beginning of the year this year just not ending or feeling any better. I'm sad and I have to admit angry and bitter. and sometimes confused because I know I should be feeling happy but it just doesn't feel as real as it should.
I'm mostly upset about the events that took place at the beginning of the year. It was a horrid start to it already and just went downhill from there but I guess I didn't feel the pain because I had the convoy to focus on. But being back it seems to be a big bubble that's in my face and I can't even burst it or be a part of it. Deep down I know I don't want to be a part of it anymore and you should move on because that's life, to move on. But I can't get over this hurt. (Note to any who are reading this and suffer from bipolar 2.....if you can feel yourself getting into that really dark place and thinking, what I have found is that I either put myself too sleep or just have someone you trust to hug you and will help to bring you back before you walk down that path. I've been down there so I make it a point to make sure I don't go down it. Usually I am alone during these moments as they can't be with you 24/7 so sleep works wonders for me. If you have any suggestions please do let me know)
So what must I do? Apparently forgive even when they haven't said sorry to you.
So that's what I am going to try and do and since today is Thanksgiving, I shall think of all the thankful things they did give to me.
-the knowledge to know more about the issue an actually wanting to know more about it
-finding out that this is the type of person I want to be, an activist
-making me learn new skills that I never knew I could do, especially with IT stuff and programs. Who knew I would be good at it
-realising that saying the word NO is good to do for myself and it can protect me from getting trampled on after all the hard work
-realising that I need to prioritise what I have to do in my life and that trying to save the world sometimes has to wait. Turning up to a meeting the night before an exam is NOT good
-allowing me to go to wonderful places abroad that I never knew I would go to or end up loving.
-allowing me to meet wonderful academics and experts in the field
-In 2007, i wrote out this quiz on FB on "who is the person I would love to meet' ad I put down George Galloway. Well I have not only met him but I know that if I'm ever in the UK I can go drop by and see him and he will know who I am lol
-meeting wonderful people who understand why I do what I do and some of them I can call my dear friends even though they are so far away
-meeting wonderful people in KL whom I know are there for me if I give them a call
-and prob one of the most important things, meeting one of my best friends, whom if it was planned for me to fall and find out about my diagnosis when it happened, I am glad he has stuck by me even though I am the biggest pain in the ass.
So with that in mind,I am going to get you all to watch one of my mum's fav songs 'Lif' by Des'ree, which she actually performed at with her great friends at her 40th birthday. Wow 10 years ago...damn I really wish you were here mum.
