Ive been umming and ahhing about whether to blog about something that has been bugging me for awhile and has nothing to do with my continuation of the convoy and thought its best not too in case I upset ppl. Tonight though i burst into tears when the song "wide awake" by katy perry came on the radio and i thought maybe i should let it out. Maybe i do need to write about it to feel better and understand what im feeling. Maybe my twitching eye for the past 5 days is due to this issue. But then its late so i shud sleep. Right now it's almost 4am and I was going to go to bed but I suddenly saw it's been a month since I last posted. A month!!! Where on earth has the time gone?? So I told myself to just write. What have I got to loose already since I feel like I've lost one of my very good friends. So....
I'm going to try and tell the story that won't make it so obvious as I really don't want to upset anyone but if I do, I apologize now because anything I'm about to say doesn't come from anger or jealously or being spiteful. Im just hurt and sad but I really hope that trying to understand this and moving on from it won't upset anyone.
Damn starting to doubt doing this. just pull off the band aid jemma!
I've known this particular friend of mine for awhile now but we suddenly became good friends sometime last year. I really don't remember how but I just hung out with this really fun group of ppl and became friends with them. They were not who I thought they were and we actually had more in common then I thought. Very cool!
So this friend and I became great friends where we seemed to trust each other and open up to the problems we were going through at the time. It was great because it really was a tough time for me trying to figure out some things and he just seemed to pick me up when I was in pieces, even if it was just sitting in my car for 20mins while I bawl my eyes out and he just made me laugh. During the time when I was down-spiraling into depression and when I later found out I had bipolar, he was there. He would call me up and we'd talk about tough times we were both going through. Both so similar in so many ways that we seem to help get out of sinking even more. I was just so grateful to have such a great and new friend to help me through such a tough and confusing time since I wasn't letting everyone know what was going on or ppl didn't seem to understand and pull away. Not him. He came with crisps, fizzy drinks and the best medicine, laughter.
When I went away I still heard from him and kept hearing from my sister that I was being missed. To the both of us he was like an older brother who we know would take care of us. But what I didn't realize is that this had an expiration date and it was due to the fact that some don't know how to handle relationships between different sexes when they've found the one to spend the rest of their life with. And it came without warning and lots of confusion. I guess I've grown up with a completely different culture where it's okay to be just friends with the opposite sex. It's ok that the guy hugs you when you're down and it's not sexual. And it's NOT ok to leave your pal hanging when giving a highfive or bro fist bump. I'm just a women. I'm not going to pounce on u if my knuckles touch your knuckles. Just saying.
I've been told that it is prob not being done to me on purpose, that he just doesn't know what to do in this new situation. I know that. I don't believe he would have hurt me deliberately. He's just not that type of guy. But boy does it hurt. It hurts because I can't believe I lost such a close friend all of a sudden and I didn't have time in a way to even say goodbye. I already have so few ppl in my life that I allow myself to burden when things are so tough and I lost another one. Wow such a selfish thought really. It is selfish to miss having someone to talk too hours on end or having a right ol laugh with someone who gets your humor. it's selfish to feel like you are not even a part of their life anymore when you thought you were.
So perhaps I am selfish and that I have to accept what life's like now without that friend in my life so I can fully be happy for his new life. I am happy. I know how he has suffered so much and has been wanting this for so long and I'm happy he found someone. Just if I had a little warning that our friendship would end when his new life began then I would have been more prepared. I'm still learning about Islam but I didn't know that some ppl change in this way. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's not the religion I should be angry at which has been very hard for me these past few days but I'll get there. I have too. I've just gotta pick myself up from this concrete and carry on. Least I'm awake now to the reality.
PS. For those who do not know about the song I am talking about, here is the video below.
>I'm going to try and tell the story that won't make it so obvious as I really don't want to upset anyone but if I do, I apologize now because anything I'm about to say doesn't come from anger or jealously or being spiteful. Im just hurt and sad but I really hope that trying to understand this and moving on from it won't upset anyone.
Damn starting to doubt doing this. just pull off the band aid jemma!
I've known this particular friend of mine for awhile now but we suddenly became good friends sometime last year. I really don't remember how but I just hung out with this really fun group of ppl and became friends with them. They were not who I thought they were and we actually had more in common then I thought. Very cool!
So this friend and I became great friends where we seemed to trust each other and open up to the problems we were going through at the time. It was great because it really was a tough time for me trying to figure out some things and he just seemed to pick me up when I was in pieces, even if it was just sitting in my car for 20mins while I bawl my eyes out and he just made me laugh. During the time when I was down-spiraling into depression and when I later found out I had bipolar, he was there. He would call me up and we'd talk about tough times we were both going through. Both so similar in so many ways that we seem to help get out of sinking even more. I was just so grateful to have such a great and new friend to help me through such a tough and confusing time since I wasn't letting everyone know what was going on or ppl didn't seem to understand and pull away. Not him. He came with crisps, fizzy drinks and the best medicine, laughter.
When I went away I still heard from him and kept hearing from my sister that I was being missed. To the both of us he was like an older brother who we know would take care of us. But what I didn't realize is that this had an expiration date and it was due to the fact that some don't know how to handle relationships between different sexes when they've found the one to spend the rest of their life with. And it came without warning and lots of confusion. I guess I've grown up with a completely different culture where it's okay to be just friends with the opposite sex. It's ok that the guy hugs you when you're down and it's not sexual. And it's NOT ok to leave your pal hanging when giving a highfive or bro fist bump. I'm just a women. I'm not going to pounce on u if my knuckles touch your knuckles. Just saying.
I've been told that it is prob not being done to me on purpose, that he just doesn't know what to do in this new situation. I know that. I don't believe he would have hurt me deliberately. He's just not that type of guy. But boy does it hurt. It hurts because I can't believe I lost such a close friend all of a sudden and I didn't have time in a way to even say goodbye. I already have so few ppl in my life that I allow myself to burden when things are so tough and I lost another one. Wow such a selfish thought really. It is selfish to miss having someone to talk too hours on end or having a right ol laugh with someone who gets your humor. it's selfish to feel like you are not even a part of their life anymore when you thought you were.
So perhaps I am selfish and that I have to accept what life's like now without that friend in my life so I can fully be happy for his new life. I am happy. I know how he has suffered so much and has been wanting this for so long and I'm happy he found someone. Just if I had a little warning that our friendship would end when his new life began then I would have been more prepared. I'm still learning about Islam but I didn't know that some ppl change in this way. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's not the religion I should be angry at which has been very hard for me these past few days but I'll get there. I have too. I've just gotta pick myself up from this concrete and carry on. Least I'm awake now to the reality.
PS. For those who do not know about the song I am talking about, here is the video below.
PPS. Just for those who don't understand friendships between the different sexes, never were my friend and I in a relationship other then platonic. I'm not upset that a great guy slipped by...I'm upset I lost my friend. Getting that clear in case ppl read WAY too much into the lyrics of this video.
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