Its amazing how time goes by so fast and what happens during that time. Today i found out some news that is upsetting as when you put your trust into people, you expect that whatever you tell them remains between the people you do tell since it is your own personal business and shouldn't you be the one to tell people? So when I found out today that I have been the topic of conversation for some time now I know what I did wrong, and it was because I was too ashamed off what I was going through that hiding the information was, to me, the best thing to do. Turns out it isn't and I have always believed honesty is better because if you are not, people will start to twist things around. isnt that what Chinese whispers is?
So I am going to be honest with all of you, whomever is reading this, and its also linked to my second reason on why i started this blog.
For a few months now i have been battling with severe depression. Not only that but I only just got diagnosed by possibly having bipolar depression to be exact. Which made a lot of sense because i didnt understand why the usual medication used for people who are depressed were not working. i didnt understand why i seemed to be the odd one out, or as one of my doctors said 'thats so odd because it usually works for everyone else'. well geez doc but thanks for making me feel oh so special.
so its been a really rough ride and for a long time i didnt think there was a light at the end of the tunnel, or as some would say the light is actually a train coming towards you, which made me chuckle whilst reading one of the many self-help/depression/positive thinking/whatever you wanna name it book i have read these past few months to understand what was going on with me. it took me loosing friends, hitting rock bottom completely, being isolated from those you thought would never leave your side in order to find the correct help for me and this is why i am not angry or hurt by whatever people did to me because it led me to where i am now, which is alive and more positive and get-going then i have felt in a very long time.
i am not saying im fully cured as my therapist tells me its a long journey im going to go through but with the help of her wonderful self, plus a great doctor who finally correctly diagnosed me and the core people in my life who never left me when i thought i was alone, i will get better. ive been through a lot for those who actually, really, truly, know me. so this was just a bump in the road, that we all get but im so glad i can now understand how i can become, both the manic stage as its called and the depressive stage, which was what i was going through. and i repeat, WAS going through.
yes ok fine i will cry and today's news upset me of course for sure. but its not going to bring me down. its not going to break my spirits. because i know that whatever plan there is for me, He will lead me to it and take care of me along the way.
so this the second reason ive created this blog. its not only to raise awareness about something i have been so passionate about for years and hoping that i can now help by not just bringing aid but also on an academic level that i never thought i would be that person. but i believe i can be. so i will keep fighting to be that person.
so, in conclusion yes i have an illness. but im not insane, or mentally unstable or some have said, because if you ask those who have been with me from day one, whether its been all the time or whenever they can, they know there is a difference. and their belief in me helps me to believe in myself more. i believe now if i get all the funding i need i can go. but im a smart cookie. i know that i will ask my doctor, my therapist, my family, my friends, and myself, whether that when the time comes i can go on the convoy. if i get one no, i have back up plans which i have listed for myself due to the advice of a very good friend who thank God has such patience with me.
there are many ways i can help the people of Gaza through the convoy and gather the information for my thesis. i came up with 6 actually. so, for those who still believe and can donate, please do. i give you my word it will not be a waste. but for those who cant, just pray and think of me.
and for those who feel like they know what im talking about, my email inbox is always open. it is okay to tell people what you are going through. it helps you to find the true people in your life, the people who will help build you instead of bringing you down.
I will end with one of my favourite new quotes that was pointed out to me recently. at the end, we are all just human, trying to do our best, all the time....but its okay to have a break every now and then to re-boot.
I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe
