Yikes! Hello 2013

Sheesh I cannot believe it is February 2013!!! I really am bad with this blogging idea. Anyway I do hope whomever does read this had a very happy new year. Mine was a really nice one but it was odd. Odd in a way that I was happy on the outside but inside was full of mixed emotions but I just wanted too make sure everyone else was okay. It turned out well though and I didn't sleep until the next day at 11am as my friends and I went out for breakfast hehe. Tis ol good. Also Gong Xi Fa Cai to all those who celebrate and Happy Valentine's Day to all those I love in my life cause without you all I would not be able to get through the day.

Anyway, I do know that I need to finish my story of the convoy (doesn't seem too end haha) and I will but for now I am just so happy that the accounts of the convoy have finally been done (thanks soo much to my team mate for helping) and it took a few days especially when you are dealing with so many different currencies but yey!

So I am posting this up now for everyone to see. Again I thank every single person who donated and supported me through this. Going through the accounts made the convoy more real if that makes any sense and without all of you it wouldn't have happened. Please pray that Gaza will be free and that all the vehicles will be able to get into Gaza soon (the ambulance is still waiting to be handed over to CFTA) but in the meantime I know that my fellow comrades during the journey will never give up. I thank them too as they made the trip ever so special and no one will know what we went through except for us. Even through all the horrid things being said about us, the difficulties we faced, the disappointment we had, we still grew stronger together and I cherish and miss you all!

Till then!

Forgiving, being thankful, and moving on

It's almost December. Sheesh. Does time fly. But you know the weird thing? This year doesn't seem to be going as fast as it usually does. It just seems to keep dragging on...and I just want it to either hurry the hell up  or at least give me more time to get my head wrapped up in this year. Its just so hard and I'm just trying so hard to hold on. Gawd I feel so bad about saying this due to recent events that have been happening in Gaza but with some of the crap that has been happening this year, I'm just feeling numb. I actually don't know what I'm feeling sometimes but I know I'm sad. Sometimes I don't even know why. And I've been feeling sad and actually kinda alone even though I'm with people who care about me.

I have started this routine for myself at the end of the day where I write what I've done, what I've eaten, how much I've spent and I recently discovered this handy lil calender that I recently downloaded on my iPad has an emotion icon to write how you've felt that day. So I started reviewing the past few weeks. It kinda shocked me that on most days I was just fine. Even when I'm with my best friends or at my fav restaurant or just chilling at home, I've been feeling sad but with happiness due to these facts. But I'm not fully happy....I'm fine. That's not good. Something is bugging me. Something is bringing me down and, especially these dear best friends of mine, they are trying to help me through it. But I just cannot stand all the crap that has happened. Finding out people you trusted the most betray that trust, ppl you thought were so close to you blocking you on FB and deleting you off BBM, friends suddenly contacting you less and you don't know why, friends just not being who you thought they were. You trust them with everything you had and your faith gets shaken. You work so hard for people and they just walk all over you. I feel like I've lost almost everything that was so dear to me at the beginning of the year this year just not ending or feeling any better. I'm sad and I have to admit angry and bitter. and sometimes confused because I know I should be feeling happy but it just doesn't feel as real as it should. 

I'm mostly upset about the events that took place at the beginning of the year. It was a horrid start to it already and just went downhill from there but I guess I didn't feel the pain because I had the convoy to focus on. But being back it seems to be a big bubble that's in my face and I can't even burst it or be a part of it. Deep down I know I don't want to be a part of it anymore and you should move on because that's life, to move on. But I can't get over this hurt. (Note to any who are reading this and suffer from bipolar 2.....if you can feel yourself getting into that really dark place and thinking, what I have found is that I either put myself too sleep or just have someone you trust to hug you and will help to bring you back before you walk down that path. I've been down there so I make it a point to make sure I don't go down it. Usually I am alone during these moments as they can't be with you 24/7 so sleep works wonders for me. If you have any suggestions please do let me know)

So what must I do? Apparently forgive even when they haven't said sorry to you. 

So that's what I am going to try and do and since today is Thanksgiving, I shall think of all the thankful things they did give to me. 

-the knowledge to know more about the issue an actually wanting to know more about it

-finding out that this is the type of person I want to be, an activist

-making me learn new skills that I never knew I could do, especially with IT stuff and programs. Who knew I would be good at it

-realising that saying the word NO is good to do for myself and it can protect me from getting trampled on after all the hard work

-realising that I need to prioritise what I have to do in my life and that trying to save the world sometimes has to wait. Turning up to a meeting the night before an exam is NOT good

-allowing me to go to wonderful places abroad that I never knew I would go to or end up loving. 

-allowing me to meet wonderful academics and experts in the field

-In 2007, i wrote out this quiz on FB on "who is the person I would love to meet' ad I put down George Galloway. Well I have not only met him but I know that if I'm ever in the UK I can go drop by and see him and he will know who I am lol

-meeting wonderful people who understand why I do what I do and some of them I can call my dear friends even though they are so far away

-meeting wonderful people in KL whom I know are there for me if I give them a call

-and prob one of the most important things, meeting one of my best friends, whom if it was planned for me to fall and find out about my diagnosis when it happened, I am glad he has stuck by me even though I am the biggest pain in the ass. 

So with that in mind,I am going to get you all to watch one of my mum's fav songs 'Lif' by Des'ree, which she actually performed at with her great friends at her 40th birthday. Wow 10 years ago...damn I really wish you were here mum.

I'm wide awake

Ive been umming and ahhing about whether to blog about something that has been bugging me for awhile and has nothing to do with my continuation of the convoy and thought its best not too in case I upset ppl. Tonight though i burst into tears when the song "wide awake" by katy perry came on the radio and i thought maybe i should let it out. Maybe i do need to write about it to feel better and understand what im feeling. Maybe my twitching eye for the past 5 days is due to this issue. But then its late so i shud sleep. Right now it's almost 4am and I was going to go to bed but I suddenly saw it's been a month since I last posted. A month!!! Where on earth has the time gone?? So I told myself to just write. What have I got to loose already since I feel like I've lost one of my very good friends. So....

I'm going to try and tell the story that won't make it so obvious as I really don't want to upset anyone but if I do, I apologize now because anything I'm about to say doesn't come from anger or jealously or being spiteful. Im just hurt and sad but I really hope that trying to understand this and moving on from it won't upset anyone.

Damn starting to doubt doing this. just pull off the band aid jemma!

I've known this particular friend of mine for awhile now but we suddenly became good friends sometime last year. I really don't remember how but I just hung out with this really fun group of ppl and became friends with them. They were not who I thought they were and we actually had more in common then I thought. Very cool!

So this friend and I became great friends where we seemed to trust each other and open up to the problems we were going through at the time. It was great because it really was a tough time for me trying to figure out some things and he just seemed to pick me up when I was in pieces, even if it was just sitting in my car for 20mins while I bawl my eyes out and he just made me laugh. During the time when I was down-spiraling into depression and when I later found out I had bipolar, he was there. He would call me up and we'd talk about tough times we were both going through. Both so similar in so many ways that we seem to help get out of sinking even more. I was just so grateful to have such a great and new friend to help me through such a tough and confusing time since I wasn't letting everyone know what was going on or ppl didn't seem to understand and pull away. Not him. He came with crisps, fizzy drinks and the best medicine, laughter.

When I went away I still heard from him and kept hearing from my sister that I was being missed. To the both of us he was like an older brother who we know would take care of us. But what I didn't realize is that this had an expiration date and it was due to the fact that some don't know how to handle relationships between different sexes when they've found the one to spend the rest of their life with. And it came without warning and lots of confusion. I guess I've grown up with a completely different culture where it's okay to be just friends with the opposite sex. It's ok that the guy hugs you when you're down and it's not sexual. And it's NOT ok to leave your pal hanging when giving a highfive or bro fist bump. I'm just a women. I'm not going to pounce on u if my knuckles touch your knuckles. Just saying.

I've been told that it is prob not being done to me on purpose, that he just doesn't know what to do in this new situation. I know that. I don't believe he would have hurt me deliberately. He's just not that type of guy. But boy does it hurt. It hurts because I can't believe I lost such a close friend all of a sudden and I didn't have time in a way to even say goodbye. I already have so few ppl in my life that I allow myself to burden when things are so tough and I lost another one. Wow such a selfish thought really. It is selfish to miss having someone to talk too hours on end or having a right ol laugh with someone who gets your humor. it's selfish to feel like you are not even a part of their life anymore when you thought you were.

So perhaps I am selfish and that I have to accept what life's like now without that friend in my life so I can fully be happy for his new life. I am happy. I know how he has suffered so much and has been wanting this for so long and I'm happy he found someone. Just if I had a little warning that our friendship would end when his new life began then I would have been more prepared. I'm still learning about Islam but I didn't know that some ppl change in this way. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's not the religion I should be angry at which has been very hard for me these past few days but I'll get there. I have too. I've just gotta pick myself up from this concrete and carry on. Least I'm awake now to the reality.

PS. For those who do not know about the song I am talking about, here is the video below. 

>

PPS. Just for those who don't understand friendships between the different sexes, never were my friend and I in a relationship other then platonic. I'm not upset that a great guy slipped by...I'm upset I lost my friend. Getting that clear in case ppl read WAY too much into the lyrics of this video.