Time waits for no one

I really am a procrastinator. I can't believe I have been back 3 months now and I still haven't finished writing about the convoy, yet done anything else I had set myself to do either. Time keeps going on and it is up to us whether we keep up with it or stay stuck. It's about time I roll with it.

It kinda makes you sit back and think what have I been doing? I guess trying to find myself is something I have been trying to do. You come back from a huge trip like the convoy and really have to assess questions that linger at the back of your mind, for me probably from the voices of others and this isn't good as it is mostly the negative. Questions such as was it a good idea to go? Did I really achieve anything? Did I even help at all? Was it purely a selfish trip? Did I disappoint everyone? Those that supported me? Why was I so mistaken in my calculations and in huge debt now? Was I really that difficult? I could go on and explain the spiral I have taken myself on.

But then 2 things can happen that make you really shut that voice in your head. One was an email I got from CFTA, the NGO in Gaza that they were able to get the items that we passed on to wonderful Seba in Cairo to pass to them. These included the laptop, books and camera that were donated from MSRI and GBP500 that I had kept aside from the donations I had received since the vehicles is still stuck in Jordan. The money will be used towards children's activities and they had sent some pictures to show the NGO leaders with the items. Looking at them I cried. Something had been achieved. It wasn't exactly everything that I had pictured but when does life ever go according to one's plans? It was something as my friends always tell me. However small, it is something. I have to repeat this to myself every time the horrid voices start. I will admit though that it helped...but I was still struggling. Well still am struggling but I am getting there.

The next thing to happen was I turned 28 3 days ago. My birthday has been an event that has been hard for me to cope with ever since mum passed. The birthdays were always a goal she had achieved. Another year she had lived and she always made it into a big deal and no matter how sick she was or how hard up we were, we just HAD to celebrate. The first year she passed i didn't honour her tradition and memory and instead insisted to my family that I just wanted to get onto a plane and sleep through my birthday. Its been 6 years now since she passed on and I still feel like doing that. Sleeping through it so I don't feel her absence. How are you supposed to celebrate with your mum? But then, Jemma, you're not the only one that does it so just go with it. This is what I told myself when my birthday was coming up this year...and I'm grateful for those who are with me, my family and friends as they so kindly organised a surprise dinner party for me and it was so good though I had to say a very brief speech and not really say what I was really thinking for I would have cried. Well its my party and I could cry if I wanted too but perhaps I didn't want to cry and just remain as happy as one could be when they are fighting sadness. But what was really nice that day was some of the messages from friends even if they were thousands of miles away. They kept saying how I should be proud of what I have achieved. Proud? Me? Really? This was something I was struggling with. One whole year had passed and I felt I was worse then last year. But after that wonderful night had ended and I spent the next day reading touching messages, I had a thought. My gosh it has been one tough year. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm whining away but it has been.

Last year before my 27th birthday I felt like I was starting to sink. Then came the many doctors trying to treat my depression. Then the dramas in my life happened. Then the recovery process of finding people who tried to understand and help and finding the right doctor and therapist for me. Then my determination of going on the convoy and recovering from the drama and after effects of that. Bloody hell what a year. Now you just ask yourself this question...are you glad you went through it? For me, yes. As much as it has been so tough looking back and seeing yourself gradually falling then suddenly rolling to rock bottom and still trying to claw your way up, I'm glad I went through it. I guess people are right. I am strong or at least trying to be. Trying to not give up.

So I am going to end here by saying thank you and you know who your are. Without all of you I couldn't have gotten through what felt like hell or gone and done something that I have been dreaming too since I got into being an activist. Life really does suck....but its less sucky when you're not alone. And I know I'm not alone.

Thank you

My wonderful family...with mum's fav flowers

Fab friends who remind me to celebrate

Dramatic weather for dramatic Turkey :)

Just look at this picture!! At one point it reminded me of a hurricane area. Then I said as long as there are no hail stones we will be fine. 20mins later, not really hail stones but big blocks of water def came tumbling down. And we are in Turkey!! The weather has been so strange. Sun stroke in Germany and Hungary then wearing a jumper in Turkey! Just so odd.

So right now we are in Konya in Turkey and making our way down until our next destination. Should be in Turkey for the next few days. Yesterday we stayed in Ankara after being in Istanbul for 4 days at another petrol station like last nights one. Its nice how you don't have to pay for toilet use but there's been no hot water or showers for that matter so been wet wipe showers the past two days :) smell like Jasmine :p

The day we left Istanbul, which was Saturday, was a day of mixed emotions. Due to visa problems for our next country destination, we had to leave behind some of the guys that were with us. This left 4 vans with no drivers. Luckily 3 new guys, including one from South Africa had joined us plus us with no van so we each are now driving one. Just hope everything gets sorted so they can join us at the border. Meanwhile, we are still awaiting news on our vehicle but since we are driving B6 now, it will be hard to spread the drivers out when we get our van. So we shall see how it goes. After so many days of not being on the road, was so nice to be back with the convoy. Although I haven't been very well so just trying to cope with that. Will be alright.

On the 4th was 6 years since my mum had passed. I didn't even realise the date until I was reminded. No wonder I went window shopping that day! Although I did treat myself and got a lovely handbag which was bargained even further once the guy knew we were going to Gaza. His business partner then gave me a free purse :D I don't like to remember the day to be honest because it makes me feel very sad and that's what I don't want to feel right now cause there's just so many things going on that I need to deal with but I did have a lil cry and had to remind myself that she's with me on this journey helping me. Just one day at a time I guess.

Whoops gotta run! We are now off to our next destination.

Jem

Appropriate to my last post

Let there be rain!

Since I am stuck at a cafe due to the very heavy storm i thought why not use this time to post something. See, rain can't bring one down :)

I just want to thank everyone right now. Those that have donated, those that have given me words of encouragement, those that have kept me in their prayers, and most importantly these close people in my life who keep helping me up I'm down. It's like I'm running in a race and I'm almost at the end of the line but the end of the line still looks far and I keep tripping up. This handful of people keep lifting me up to keep on running and I really don't know how to say thank you enough. Just their belief in me and reminding me that whatever happens at least I tried and that effort is more important.

I have had my doubts, especially if I should be going on this journey. Whether it is the right thing for me to do. Of course I feel it is the right thing to be doing but ever since mum it's been hard for me to find validation from anyone else. I believe what they say but it's not coming from her. So it's hard when I get a message saying it's the wrong thing to do and that mum wouldn't approve. I know what I'm doing has risks and i know those that say this only mean well but it gets into my head and fills it with doubt that maybe it's true.

It was funny though because when I had this negative message, an hour later I had a positive one from a family friend who had given a generous contribution and just said how proud she is and how proud mum would be. My best mate says it's like it was a message from mum herself saying to keep at it. Don't give up. Do everything you can do just to see how far you get. I sometimes wish I had her strength because she kept pushing to see how far she could go, even when she was told she couldn't.

Perhaps for those who don't know me I'll tell you a little about my wonderful mum with incredible strength. Just after I was born, she was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. Her doctors said she had 6 months to live as it was spread everywhere that there was nothing left to do. They told her she needed to think who to leave me too because at that time my father had left us. She told me that when she went through the list of people, the only person she could really leave me to was herself. So she decided she wasn't just going to sit back and listen to the doctors, she was going to fight for as long as she can. After marrying a wonderful man who really is my true dad, having my fab younger sister, started 2 companies, she lived for an extra 21 years since that first diagnosis. Whatever she wanted to do, she tried her utmost best to do it. Even during the last year of her incredible life, she visited majority of the places she wanted to do and she saw the milestones she had set herself to see, such as my dads 40th birthday, my sisters 13th birthday, and my 21st birthday. Birthday were so important for her because she felt it was a milestone that she had gotten too. She passed away the month of my dads 41st birthday.

See how incredible she was! With me I need people around me to remind me to keep going. For her, she just fought. I wish I had that. I hope I can be like that one day.

So after the past few ups and downs of the last few days, I decided to keep going and not give up. So the registration and payment is done, my doctor has given me extra encouragement I need, the flights are bought. Now it's getting the vehicle and extra cash for along the way.

So please if you can, help me try and reach my target. and I promise I won't give up.

Thinking of mum

Its been a lil rough today and just missing mum's presence. My nights are still hard for me as this would be when we would have our chit chats and just watch tv whilst acting crazy. Poor dad would never get enough sleep.

Sunsets now remind me of her. It seems when I have a bad day, the sunset smiles upon me. Today I didn't see the sunset but I have this one that's so wonderful so dedicating it to her, the strongest and heroic women I've ever known.

Xx