I'm wide awake

Ive been umming and ahhing about whether to blog about something that has been bugging me for awhile and has nothing to do with my continuation of the convoy and thought its best not too in case I upset ppl. Tonight though i burst into tears when the song "wide awake" by katy perry came on the radio and i thought maybe i should let it out. Maybe i do need to write about it to feel better and understand what im feeling. Maybe my twitching eye for the past 5 days is due to this issue. But then its late so i shud sleep. Right now it's almost 4am and I was going to go to bed but I suddenly saw it's been a month since I last posted. A month!!! Where on earth has the time gone?? So I told myself to just write. What have I got to loose already since I feel like I've lost one of my very good friends. So....

I'm going to try and tell the story that won't make it so obvious as I really don't want to upset anyone but if I do, I apologize now because anything I'm about to say doesn't come from anger or jealously or being spiteful. Im just hurt and sad but I really hope that trying to understand this and moving on from it won't upset anyone.

Damn starting to doubt doing this. just pull off the band aid jemma!

I've known this particular friend of mine for awhile now but we suddenly became good friends sometime last year. I really don't remember how but I just hung out with this really fun group of ppl and became friends with them. They were not who I thought they were and we actually had more in common then I thought. Very cool!

So this friend and I became great friends where we seemed to trust each other and open up to the problems we were going through at the time. It was great because it really was a tough time for me trying to figure out some things and he just seemed to pick me up when I was in pieces, even if it was just sitting in my car for 20mins while I bawl my eyes out and he just made me laugh. During the time when I was down-spiraling into depression and when I later found out I had bipolar, he was there. He would call me up and we'd talk about tough times we were both going through. Both so similar in so many ways that we seem to help get out of sinking even more. I was just so grateful to have such a great and new friend to help me through such a tough and confusing time since I wasn't letting everyone know what was going on or ppl didn't seem to understand and pull away. Not him. He came with crisps, fizzy drinks and the best medicine, laughter.

When I went away I still heard from him and kept hearing from my sister that I was being missed. To the both of us he was like an older brother who we know would take care of us. But what I didn't realize is that this had an expiration date and it was due to the fact that some don't know how to handle relationships between different sexes when they've found the one to spend the rest of their life with. And it came without warning and lots of confusion. I guess I've grown up with a completely different culture where it's okay to be just friends with the opposite sex. It's ok that the guy hugs you when you're down and it's not sexual. And it's NOT ok to leave your pal hanging when giving a highfive or bro fist bump. I'm just a women. I'm not going to pounce on u if my knuckles touch your knuckles. Just saying.

I've been told that it is prob not being done to me on purpose, that he just doesn't know what to do in this new situation. I know that. I don't believe he would have hurt me deliberately. He's just not that type of guy. But boy does it hurt. It hurts because I can't believe I lost such a close friend all of a sudden and I didn't have time in a way to even say goodbye. I already have so few ppl in my life that I allow myself to burden when things are so tough and I lost another one. Wow such a selfish thought really. It is selfish to miss having someone to talk too hours on end or having a right ol laugh with someone who gets your humor. it's selfish to feel like you are not even a part of their life anymore when you thought you were.

So perhaps I am selfish and that I have to accept what life's like now without that friend in my life so I can fully be happy for his new life. I am happy. I know how he has suffered so much and has been wanting this for so long and I'm happy he found someone. Just if I had a little warning that our friendship would end when his new life began then I would have been more prepared. I'm still learning about Islam but I didn't know that some ppl change in this way. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's not the religion I should be angry at which has been very hard for me these past few days but I'll get there. I have too. I've just gotta pick myself up from this concrete and carry on. Least I'm awake now to the reality.

PS. For those who do not know about the song I am talking about, here is the video below. 

>

PPS. Just for those who don't understand friendships between the different sexes, never were my friend and I in a relationship other then platonic. I'm not upset that a great guy slipped by...I'm upset I lost my friend. Getting that clear in case ppl read WAY too much into the lyrics of this video. 

Things happen for a reason

I'm really sorry for the lack of updates but it's been such an experience since my last post that I couldn't write about the chapter until it was closed. Okay this chapter of the journey is not really over but it's more clearer. So let's tell this story :)

Since my last post, we were off to go to the border between Hungary and Romania and all was going well down the highway like we normally do and then suddenly a loud metal grinding noise occurred and I asked Faisal 'is that the tyre?' whilst he calmly put the hazard light on, slowed down and pulled over to the hard shoulder. A5 pulled over as well as one of the main convoy leaders in Z2 to check what was going on. They all got out to check the engine while I was told to stay put. It did not look good as the engine mount had bent and so the engine had shifted and was almost touching the ground. Not good. The rest of the convoy stopped at the next stop area while another vehicle came and towed us slowly back to the rest of the convoy and once we were there, nearly everyone came around and started to see if anything could be done. Ropes were being tied up and they were trying to figure out how to tow the vehicle to the next destination. It just seemed like a very hard thing to do plus it would have slowed down the rest of the convoy so luckily I took the advice of the organisers and was able to get European breakdown coverage from the RAC. So the rest of the convoy went on whilst some of the convoy leaders stayed with us. There was some problems occurring but we finally got towed and you wouldn't believe where too. The Peugeot service station was literally situated behind us where we were staying the night before. So we literally went backwards. Oh well, got to see how they tow your car and got to ride in the huge truck (I felt so tall). The RAC sorted out a hotel which was 4mins away. By this time it was really late so the only thing we could do was go to bed, though I'll be honest, I was anxious as hell and was just praying all would be okay.

So the next morning we have breakfast and I get a phone call. Bad news. Hungary was literally shut down because they were having a holiday for the next two days and no one could look at the van until Wednesday (this was Monday). So we told them what was going on and how we were on a deadline as we needed to catch up with the rest of the convoy so the RAC then started trying to sort out hire cars for us but the problem was each country didn't want their car going into another country so they literally had to sort out a hire car in each country all the way to Turkey. So whilst they were sorting it out all of us went into town to try and see if we were lucky enough to find a mechanic who could take a look at our van. Unfortunately Hungary was literally closed. I even saw a McDs closed as well as the tourist centre. Really just dumb luck. So since there was nothing else to do, we finally went to go have lunch, which was in the city centre itself as everything else was closed, and went to this Syrian restaurant. Wonderful food and very fancy toilets.

We then get the phone call from the RAC. Everything was sorted with all the hire cars BUT since Hungary was closed, no one was picking up the phone so there was no hire cars available for us to leave that day (Monday) and we would have to wait the next morning. Meanwhile, the rest of the convoy was getting further away from us and the convoy leaders that stayed with us had to get going otherwise it would be so hard to catch up. So we decided that the two of us would fly to Turkey to meet the others and Z2 would take all the aid that was in our van and go and catch up with the others. What was so great was that RAC would cover the cost of the flights plus continue to put us up in the hotel with 2 rooms. It was the easiest option for everyone. Thing was, it meant the van had to be left and writing this now I'm still gutted. It's like you try to do everything you are supposed to do to make sure the vehicle is fine but sometimes things are just out of your control. I just need to remember that. At least the insurance has been the best thing done and they have been so good to us.

So once that was decided, we all went back to Peugeot to get all the aid and squeeze in into Z2's vehicle, which is smaller then our vehicle. Dumb luck still followed us. First off it took us almost an hour to even try and get into Peugeot even though I had the documemtations as the guy had to call this person and that person and then we had to wait for his colleague to come (remember it is a holiday) and then at first they only allowed one person to go into the area because apparently the lasers (really?) were on and couldn't be turned off because again, it's a holiday, and then when they saw how much stuff it was they allowed 2 of us in. They then told the van to drive behind the vehicle which was separated by a high wired fence and then a big ditch! We then had to transfer 8 boxes plus 4 huge and heavy bags over the fence whilst Z2 leaders were packing as much as they could in their van and it was so packed you could barely see Carole at the back in the passenger seat. I really wish I took a picture of this because it just looked like we were robbing the place. What a sight!

Then we said our goodbyes and that was sad and I will admit it did get to me but work needed to be done so we went online to find the best and cheapest flight to make sure we were in Turkey by Wednesday. So we finally found the cheapest one via Kiev but it would mean we left on Wednesday itself so we had another day in closed Hungary. Stranded in Hungary. So I've learnt that since some things are beyond your control and everything happens for a reason and that you can plan as much as you want, there really isn't anything one could do. So it just made sense to walk around the city more to really see Budapest. Still a lot of places were shut but the city still looked beautiful. We were also able to go back to the same place we went with the others that was owned by the Egyptian and we told him what happened and he gave free tea again :) then it was back to the hotel to try and pack as best as we could with all the stuff we had and some food had to be sacrificed and left :( then bed as we had to be up early to make sure all was done before our cab picked us up at 12:30 (organised by RAC too) and off to the airport. I had a lil cry as we passed the Peugeot service centre and I actually couldn't look because I would have prob burst into tears. It just feels like I've let people down because the van had to be left. Was beginning to feel like a home too and it can really get one to feel lost leaving it. I just hope something can be done with it but I'll get to that bridge later.

So off to Turkey we went via a stop at Kiev. At the airport in Hungary wow security was pretty tight as I had never been that frisked before! Then at Kiev we had our bag checked again (I think the round power extension cord looked dodgy) and there was army everywhere! Waited there for a few hours with a lovely cup of coffee and finally boarded the flight to go to Istanbul. The flight was very nice (Turkish airlines) and got to calm my nerves after the few days we've had by watching FRIENDS and having a good giggle.

Got to Istanbul (yey!) and finally met up with the rest of the convoy! Was so nice to see everyone and be reunited.

So after being stuck in Hungary for an extra 2 days without a van and dealing with that, we will be in Turkey for a few days which will be great for us to get a new vehicle and get that sorted. We have a number of choices so will access the best one because at the end of the day, I made a promise to deliver a van with the aid. We still have the aid and we will get a van, that is for sure. Again, everything happens for a reason right. The big picture is delivering the promise I made to Gaza and to the people who have kindly supported us.

So, wow, long post. So I shall leave this for now and see what happens tomorrow :)

Hello London!!

For a starter, I have no idea why I have been so tired from the moment I stepped onto the airplane coming here. I technically slept so much with my poor friend getting bored as hell but still tired today. I guess a lot only mind then.

Secondly, it is sooo cold! Maybe that's why I feel tired cause all I want to do is just stay under my duvet and sleep hehe. Guess relax when you can.

So thus far the trip has gone fab and I think when something is meant to be it goes about very smoothly. We went to check out a specific vehicle thative been told will be great for CFTA. A short train ride, hop, skip and a bus away we met with a lovely man named Ed who straight away told us the problems with the minibus and henceforth the price would be lowered...yey! S we went for a drive to. Have a feel of the minibus, checked what was working, my co-driver had a go at it and then once we got back to Ed's house he says due to the fact that this has been a fundraising for the children, he knocked the price even further! Truly wonderful and this is why if things are meant to be, God makes it all easy for you. There's still a lot to be done but, again, if it's meant to be it's meant to be :)

Plus I learnt something wonderful from Ed yesterday. He said that he always does things that make him happy and he never chases the money. Yes money is. Important but he doesn't chase it. It made me think that it must be true. As long as you do what you love and you're a good person, the money will take care of itself. Look at my journey, the support you have all given me. Who would have thought I would have gotten so close to my goal?

So again, thank you for allowing me to do something I love to do plus to help people who need our help :)

I was going to mention a bit of hoo-haa that has been going on regarding the convoy but I do have to dash off. If I can I will later but I will say this. From day one there has always been talk about the route and where we could be going. From day one you know that the journey itself has risks. So if you sign up from day one knowing all this don't you have the obligation to all those people you have made promises too? I do. I have a vehicle I have promised to donate to CFTA plus toys, books and a lil few gifts from MSRI to give them. I also trust the organizers as I'm sure they know what they are doing considering they have done this 5 times and with known people involved of course they wouldn't do anything that would deliberately put us in harms way. I know what I signed up for and due to the fact that things are going so well, whatever happens happens and its meant to be.

So actually I'll end there and gotta get the rest of my checklist sorted :)

If anyone wants to know more about the organization the vehicle and donated items are going to, the info is here
Culture and Free Thought Association
P.O.Box 76, Khan Younis, Gaza Strip
Tel/+972(0) 8 2051299
Fax/+972 (0) 8 2067299
E-mail: cfta@palnet.com

TTYL :)

Going, going.....gone :)

I'm so sorry I've been awful and haven't updated in awhile but its amazing how a week can go by and there's still so much I should have done.

First off all, I want to say thank you to all who have been SO supportive off me. Without you all I wouldn't have just finished packing and setting off to London in a couple of hours to join the convoy to Gaza :) we are still under our estimated needed amount but we will get by as much as we can :)

Second of all, I'm sorry to all those I wasn't able to say bye too at all. I wish I could have seen all of you but you are all in my thoughts and there's just not enough time when you do things last min ehehehe.

This week has been a real up and down one but I have my rocks to keep me pushing and keep going. My last therapy session for awhile was so good & it was a way for me to say goodbye to my wonderful mum and tell her I will not give up. As Dory says, "just keep swimming".

So I'm off. My next update will be in London Baby!! Please send your prayers and thoughts during this journey and to my dear friends who are like family, please keep an eye out for my dad and sister. I will be forever grateful!!

So I will say "so long, farewell" and wish me luck!! Next step, picking an awesome minibus for the Culture and Free Thinking Association (CFTA) in Gaza :)

London, be ready for me :)

Appropriate to my last post

Let there be rain!

Since I am stuck at a cafe due to the very heavy storm i thought why not use this time to post something. See, rain can't bring one down :)

I just want to thank everyone right now. Those that have donated, those that have given me words of encouragement, those that have kept me in their prayers, and most importantly these close people in my life who keep helping me up I'm down. It's like I'm running in a race and I'm almost at the end of the line but the end of the line still looks far and I keep tripping up. This handful of people keep lifting me up to keep on running and I really don't know how to say thank you enough. Just their belief in me and reminding me that whatever happens at least I tried and that effort is more important.

I have had my doubts, especially if I should be going on this journey. Whether it is the right thing for me to do. Of course I feel it is the right thing to be doing but ever since mum it's been hard for me to find validation from anyone else. I believe what they say but it's not coming from her. So it's hard when I get a message saying it's the wrong thing to do and that mum wouldn't approve. I know what I'm doing has risks and i know those that say this only mean well but it gets into my head and fills it with doubt that maybe it's true.

It was funny though because when I had this negative message, an hour later I had a positive one from a family friend who had given a generous contribution and just said how proud she is and how proud mum would be. My best mate says it's like it was a message from mum herself saying to keep at it. Don't give up. Do everything you can do just to see how far you get. I sometimes wish I had her strength because she kept pushing to see how far she could go, even when she was told she couldn't.

Perhaps for those who don't know me I'll tell you a little about my wonderful mum with incredible strength. Just after I was born, she was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. Her doctors said she had 6 months to live as it was spread everywhere that there was nothing left to do. They told her she needed to think who to leave me too because at that time my father had left us. She told me that when she went through the list of people, the only person she could really leave me to was herself. So she decided she wasn't just going to sit back and listen to the doctors, she was going to fight for as long as she can. After marrying a wonderful man who really is my true dad, having my fab younger sister, started 2 companies, she lived for an extra 21 years since that first diagnosis. Whatever she wanted to do, she tried her utmost best to do it. Even during the last year of her incredible life, she visited majority of the places she wanted to do and she saw the milestones she had set herself to see, such as my dads 40th birthday, my sisters 13th birthday, and my 21st birthday. Birthday were so important for her because she felt it was a milestone that she had gotten too. She passed away the month of my dads 41st birthday.

See how incredible she was! With me I need people around me to remind me to keep going. For her, she just fought. I wish I had that. I hope I can be like that one day.

So after the past few ups and downs of the last few days, I decided to keep going and not give up. So the registration and payment is done, my doctor has given me extra encouragement I need, the flights are bought. Now it's getting the vehicle and extra cash for along the way.

So please if you can, help me try and reach my target. and I promise I won't give up.

Wed. 4th April 2012 News

Some news I found yesterday but only just got to my computer :)

1. Israeli forces attempt to arrest 2-year-old Palestinian child
2. Hunger-Striking Detainee Moved To Hospital
3. Fuel tankers arrive in Gaza
4. Galway Palestine Children Appeal distribute aid in Gaza
5. ICC rejects Palestinian bid to investigate Israeli war crimes during 'Cast Lead' Gaza operation
6. Swedish activists plan another Gaza aid flotilla this year


On a more personal note, i realised something today. I was told recently that I need to prove myself to people as people's perceptions have changed. I decided today that I don't need to do that. I know I work hard and I know I have tried my up-most best to face all my difficulties I have faced with these past few months and just because some people who don't know what has been going on have a perception on me now, I don't need to prove or say anything. Just move on and let it be. People are entitled and have a right to their opinion so I also have my right to do what is best for me. So I help those in need as much as I can and tonight was such a fab night with fab friends and at the same time welcomed a person in need to Malaysia. To me, that's time well spent.

Letting go

I've been told that one of the things that can lead a person to be happy is to let things go, particularly the past (found at http://www.purposefairy.com/3308/15-things-you-should-give-up-in-order-to-be-happy/). I've realised though that this concept is very hard for me to do. I not only not let go of issues but I usually just sweep them under this carpet of issues I have and carry on till one day the carpet flies open due to a gust of wind called reality and I'm faced with the issue again. One of my best mates always tells me to let go. I wish they had a class that can help one to let go.

So a few days ago I was faced with an issue that I guess keeps coming back over the past year because I live in Hollywood land so sometimes I think my so-called movie life might end up as the reality. So I decided to face up to it once and for all, even if it meant killing the movie. It did. Reality won. But hey, as my therapist said I was very brave in doing that and at least I now know what the reality is. It should have been an issue I had moved on from months ago but I guess I really am a dreamer. Oh well.

Then another issue popped up linked to a recent event that occurred that I'm still trying to get over and I didn't know whether I should participate in the event or not as it would have meant I would be walking backwards rather then moving forwards. So I chose to continue to move forwards, to continue to let it go and turns out I'm happy with my decision. I didn't need to go and prove myself to anyone nor did I need to hear any negativity that I know would have upset me. I just let it go.

So I'm learning. It takes time but one does learn. What I did discover though in therapy yesterday was that I actually haven't really said goodbye to my mum. Physically yes but not from my heart I haven't said goodbye. That I'm not ready. I know ill have to do it soon but yesterday I wasn't ready. I will be though and I hope I'm strong enough for it to be sooner rather then later.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

Things to remember

I got this via email from my really good family friend who has known me since I was very tiny (man does she know all my stories). I found this email to be so true and just had to share it with you all. Think we should all be reminded of these every now and then.

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer,Cleveland , Ohio .

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short – enjoy it.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.
5.Don't buy stuff you don't need.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for things that matter.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye but don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to be happy but it's all up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what your love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive but don't forget.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

*Friends are the family that we choose.*

Jem