Time waits for no one

I really am a procrastinator. I can't believe I have been back 3 months now and I still haven't finished writing about the convoy, yet done anything else I had set myself to do either. Time keeps going on and it is up to us whether we keep up with it or stay stuck. It's about time I roll with it.

It kinda makes you sit back and think what have I been doing? I guess trying to find myself is something I have been trying to do. You come back from a huge trip like the convoy and really have to assess questions that linger at the back of your mind, for me probably from the voices of others and this isn't good as it is mostly the negative. Questions such as was it a good idea to go? Did I really achieve anything? Did I even help at all? Was it purely a selfish trip? Did I disappoint everyone? Those that supported me? Why was I so mistaken in my calculations and in huge debt now? Was I really that difficult? I could go on and explain the spiral I have taken myself on.

But then 2 things can happen that make you really shut that voice in your head. One was an email I got from CFTA, the NGO in Gaza that they were able to get the items that we passed on to wonderful Seba in Cairo to pass to them. These included the laptop, books and camera that were donated from MSRI and GBP500 that I had kept aside from the donations I had received since the vehicles is still stuck in Jordan. The money will be used towards children's activities and they had sent some pictures to show the NGO leaders with the items. Looking at them I cried. Something had been achieved. It wasn't exactly everything that I had pictured but when does life ever go according to one's plans? It was something as my friends always tell me. However small, it is something. I have to repeat this to myself every time the horrid voices start. I will admit though that it helped...but I was still struggling. Well still am struggling but I am getting there.

The next thing to happen was I turned 28 3 days ago. My birthday has been an event that has been hard for me to cope with ever since mum passed. The birthdays were always a goal she had achieved. Another year she had lived and she always made it into a big deal and no matter how sick she was or how hard up we were, we just HAD to celebrate. The first year she passed i didn't honour her tradition and memory and instead insisted to my family that I just wanted to get onto a plane and sleep through my birthday. Its been 6 years now since she passed on and I still feel like doing that. Sleeping through it so I don't feel her absence. How are you supposed to celebrate with your mum? But then, Jemma, you're not the only one that does it so just go with it. This is what I told myself when my birthday was coming up this year...and I'm grateful for those who are with me, my family and friends as they so kindly organised a surprise dinner party for me and it was so good though I had to say a very brief speech and not really say what I was really thinking for I would have cried. Well its my party and I could cry if I wanted too but perhaps I didn't want to cry and just remain as happy as one could be when they are fighting sadness. But what was really nice that day was some of the messages from friends even if they were thousands of miles away. They kept saying how I should be proud of what I have achieved. Proud? Me? Really? This was something I was struggling with. One whole year had passed and I felt I was worse then last year. But after that wonderful night had ended and I spent the next day reading touching messages, I had a thought. My gosh it has been one tough year. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm whining away but it has been.

Last year before my 27th birthday I felt like I was starting to sink. Then came the many doctors trying to treat my depression. Then the dramas in my life happened. Then the recovery process of finding people who tried to understand and help and finding the right doctor and therapist for me. Then my determination of going on the convoy and recovering from the drama and after effects of that. Bloody hell what a year. Now you just ask yourself this question...are you glad you went through it? For me, yes. As much as it has been so tough looking back and seeing yourself gradually falling then suddenly rolling to rock bottom and still trying to claw your way up, I'm glad I went through it. I guess people are right. I am strong or at least trying to be. Trying to not give up.

So I am going to end here by saying thank you and you know who your are. Without all of you I couldn't have gotten through what felt like hell or gone and done something that I have been dreaming too since I got into being an activist. Life really does suck....but its less sucky when you're not alone. And I know I'm not alone.

Thank you

My wonderful family...with mum's fav flowers

Fab friends who remind me to celebrate

Dramatic weather for dramatic Turkey :)

Just look at this picture!! At one point it reminded me of a hurricane area. Then I said as long as there are no hail stones we will be fine. 20mins later, not really hail stones but big blocks of water def came tumbling down. And we are in Turkey!! The weather has been so strange. Sun stroke in Germany and Hungary then wearing a jumper in Turkey! Just so odd.

So right now we are in Konya in Turkey and making our way down until our next destination. Should be in Turkey for the next few days. Yesterday we stayed in Ankara after being in Istanbul for 4 days at another petrol station like last nights one. Its nice how you don't have to pay for toilet use but there's been no hot water or showers for that matter so been wet wipe showers the past two days :) smell like Jasmine :p

The day we left Istanbul, which was Saturday, was a day of mixed emotions. Due to visa problems for our next country destination, we had to leave behind some of the guys that were with us. This left 4 vans with no drivers. Luckily 3 new guys, including one from South Africa had joined us plus us with no van so we each are now driving one. Just hope everything gets sorted so they can join us at the border. Meanwhile, we are still awaiting news on our vehicle but since we are driving B6 now, it will be hard to spread the drivers out when we get our van. So we shall see how it goes. After so many days of not being on the road, was so nice to be back with the convoy. Although I haven't been very well so just trying to cope with that. Will be alright.

On the 4th was 6 years since my mum had passed. I didn't even realise the date until I was reminded. No wonder I went window shopping that day! Although I did treat myself and got a lovely handbag which was bargained even further once the guy knew we were going to Gaza. His business partner then gave me a free purse :D I don't like to remember the day to be honest because it makes me feel very sad and that's what I don't want to feel right now cause there's just so many things going on that I need to deal with but I did have a lil cry and had to remind myself that she's with me on this journey helping me. Just one day at a time I guess.

Whoops gotta run! We are now off to our next destination.

Jem

Things happen for a reason

I'm really sorry for the lack of updates but it's been such an experience since my last post that I couldn't write about the chapter until it was closed. Okay this chapter of the journey is not really over but it's more clearer. So let's tell this story :)

Since my last post, we were off to go to the border between Hungary and Romania and all was going well down the highway like we normally do and then suddenly a loud metal grinding noise occurred and I asked Faisal 'is that the tyre?' whilst he calmly put the hazard light on, slowed down and pulled over to the hard shoulder. A5 pulled over as well as one of the main convoy leaders in Z2 to check what was going on. They all got out to check the engine while I was told to stay put. It did not look good as the engine mount had bent and so the engine had shifted and was almost touching the ground. Not good. The rest of the convoy stopped at the next stop area while another vehicle came and towed us slowly back to the rest of the convoy and once we were there, nearly everyone came around and started to see if anything could be done. Ropes were being tied up and they were trying to figure out how to tow the vehicle to the next destination. It just seemed like a very hard thing to do plus it would have slowed down the rest of the convoy so luckily I took the advice of the organisers and was able to get European breakdown coverage from the RAC. So the rest of the convoy went on whilst some of the convoy leaders stayed with us. There was some problems occurring but we finally got towed and you wouldn't believe where too. The Peugeot service station was literally situated behind us where we were staying the night before. So we literally went backwards. Oh well, got to see how they tow your car and got to ride in the huge truck (I felt so tall). The RAC sorted out a hotel which was 4mins away. By this time it was really late so the only thing we could do was go to bed, though I'll be honest, I was anxious as hell and was just praying all would be okay.

So the next morning we have breakfast and I get a phone call. Bad news. Hungary was literally shut down because they were having a holiday for the next two days and no one could look at the van until Wednesday (this was Monday). So we told them what was going on and how we were on a deadline as we needed to catch up with the rest of the convoy so the RAC then started trying to sort out hire cars for us but the problem was each country didn't want their car going into another country so they literally had to sort out a hire car in each country all the way to Turkey. So whilst they were sorting it out all of us went into town to try and see if we were lucky enough to find a mechanic who could take a look at our van. Unfortunately Hungary was literally closed. I even saw a McDs closed as well as the tourist centre. Really just dumb luck. So since there was nothing else to do, we finally went to go have lunch, which was in the city centre itself as everything else was closed, and went to this Syrian restaurant. Wonderful food and very fancy toilets.

We then get the phone call from the RAC. Everything was sorted with all the hire cars BUT since Hungary was closed, no one was picking up the phone so there was no hire cars available for us to leave that day (Monday) and we would have to wait the next morning. Meanwhile, the rest of the convoy was getting further away from us and the convoy leaders that stayed with us had to get going otherwise it would be so hard to catch up. So we decided that the two of us would fly to Turkey to meet the others and Z2 would take all the aid that was in our van and go and catch up with the others. What was so great was that RAC would cover the cost of the flights plus continue to put us up in the hotel with 2 rooms. It was the easiest option for everyone. Thing was, it meant the van had to be left and writing this now I'm still gutted. It's like you try to do everything you are supposed to do to make sure the vehicle is fine but sometimes things are just out of your control. I just need to remember that. At least the insurance has been the best thing done and they have been so good to us.

So once that was decided, we all went back to Peugeot to get all the aid and squeeze in into Z2's vehicle, which is smaller then our vehicle. Dumb luck still followed us. First off it took us almost an hour to even try and get into Peugeot even though I had the documemtations as the guy had to call this person and that person and then we had to wait for his colleague to come (remember it is a holiday) and then at first they only allowed one person to go into the area because apparently the lasers (really?) were on and couldn't be turned off because again, it's a holiday, and then when they saw how much stuff it was they allowed 2 of us in. They then told the van to drive behind the vehicle which was separated by a high wired fence and then a big ditch! We then had to transfer 8 boxes plus 4 huge and heavy bags over the fence whilst Z2 leaders were packing as much as they could in their van and it was so packed you could barely see Carole at the back in the passenger seat. I really wish I took a picture of this because it just looked like we were robbing the place. What a sight!

Then we said our goodbyes and that was sad and I will admit it did get to me but work needed to be done so we went online to find the best and cheapest flight to make sure we were in Turkey by Wednesday. So we finally found the cheapest one via Kiev but it would mean we left on Wednesday itself so we had another day in closed Hungary. Stranded in Hungary. So I've learnt that since some things are beyond your control and everything happens for a reason and that you can plan as much as you want, there really isn't anything one could do. So it just made sense to walk around the city more to really see Budapest. Still a lot of places were shut but the city still looked beautiful. We were also able to go back to the same place we went with the others that was owned by the Egyptian and we told him what happened and he gave free tea again :) then it was back to the hotel to try and pack as best as we could with all the stuff we had and some food had to be sacrificed and left :( then bed as we had to be up early to make sure all was done before our cab picked us up at 12:30 (organised by RAC too) and off to the airport. I had a lil cry as we passed the Peugeot service centre and I actually couldn't look because I would have prob burst into tears. It just feels like I've let people down because the van had to be left. Was beginning to feel like a home too and it can really get one to feel lost leaving it. I just hope something can be done with it but I'll get to that bridge later.

So off to Turkey we went via a stop at Kiev. At the airport in Hungary wow security was pretty tight as I had never been that frisked before! Then at Kiev we had our bag checked again (I think the round power extension cord looked dodgy) and there was army everywhere! Waited there for a few hours with a lovely cup of coffee and finally boarded the flight to go to Istanbul. The flight was very nice (Turkish airlines) and got to calm my nerves after the few days we've had by watching FRIENDS and having a good giggle.

Got to Istanbul (yey!) and finally met up with the rest of the convoy! Was so nice to see everyone and be reunited.

So after being stuck in Hungary for an extra 2 days without a van and dealing with that, we will be in Turkey for a few days which will be great for us to get a new vehicle and get that sorted. We have a number of choices so will access the best one because at the end of the day, I made a promise to deliver a van with the aid. We still have the aid and we will get a van, that is for sure. Again, everything happens for a reason right. The big picture is delivering the promise I made to Gaza and to the people who have kindly supported us.

So, wow, long post. So I shall leave this for now and see what happens tomorrow :)

Nothing is impossible

I guess when you really want something to happen, life tests you to see just how much you do want it and really tests your patience and faith. Yesterday was a real test. We had trouble with the van whereby we were told that it might not be ready till poss Monday. Ill be honest with you, i was in tears. Then to get insurance has been a complete nightmare and after being rejected by so many, you just want to throw in the towel. But we kept our plans that we will still leave for the convoy today. In the end, in the middle of our car parts shopping, ourwonderful mechanic Jose calls to say the van is ready!! I swear if he was infront of me i would have given him the biggest hug ever and we were just jumping around the shop with joy. Jose came through!!

There were a number of challenges i was still facing, such as ignorant ppl who in the end you just have to ignore and not bother by their ignorance. Then my poor aunt fell down the stairs and broke her ankle and feel so bad that i wasnt able to visit her before we left. May God watch over her and may her operation be successful so that shes good as new :) Aunty Jane if you`re reading this dont worry okay!

So we got all we needed, food for travels, stacked up the wonderfully large amount of donated items from ppl we know, especially to Cleo! Big thanks to my uncle Vince for driving us around London in order for us to get all the spare parts etc. Thanks to grandma for packing us a load of food so we will be good for the rest of the day. And thanks to James for doing research on back up plans and everything else. So right now here ws are, waiting at Luton for the rest of the convoy who left Bradford. Cant wait!!

Oo they are arriving. Gotta go. Wish us luck!

Hello London!!

For a starter, I have no idea why I have been so tired from the moment I stepped onto the airplane coming here. I technically slept so much with my poor friend getting bored as hell but still tired today. I guess a lot only mind then.

Secondly, it is sooo cold! Maybe that's why I feel tired cause all I want to do is just stay under my duvet and sleep hehe. Guess relax when you can.

So thus far the trip has gone fab and I think when something is meant to be it goes about very smoothly. We went to check out a specific vehicle thative been told will be great for CFTA. A short train ride, hop, skip and a bus away we met with a lovely man named Ed who straight away told us the problems with the minibus and henceforth the price would be lowered...yey! S we went for a drive to. Have a feel of the minibus, checked what was working, my co-driver had a go at it and then once we got back to Ed's house he says due to the fact that this has been a fundraising for the children, he knocked the price even further! Truly wonderful and this is why if things are meant to be, God makes it all easy for you. There's still a lot to be done but, again, if it's meant to be it's meant to be :)

Plus I learnt something wonderful from Ed yesterday. He said that he always does things that make him happy and he never chases the money. Yes money is. Important but he doesn't chase it. It made me think that it must be true. As long as you do what you love and you're a good person, the money will take care of itself. Look at my journey, the support you have all given me. Who would have thought I would have gotten so close to my goal?

So again, thank you for allowing me to do something I love to do plus to help people who need our help :)

I was going to mention a bit of hoo-haa that has been going on regarding the convoy but I do have to dash off. If I can I will later but I will say this. From day one there has always been talk about the route and where we could be going. From day one you know that the journey itself has risks. So if you sign up from day one knowing all this don't you have the obligation to all those people you have made promises too? I do. I have a vehicle I have promised to donate to CFTA plus toys, books and a lil few gifts from MSRI to give them. I also trust the organizers as I'm sure they know what they are doing considering they have done this 5 times and with known people involved of course they wouldn't do anything that would deliberately put us in harms way. I know what I signed up for and due to the fact that things are going so well, whatever happens happens and its meant to be.

So actually I'll end there and gotta get the rest of my checklist sorted :)

If anyone wants to know more about the organization the vehicle and donated items are going to, the info is here
Culture and Free Thought Association
P.O.Box 76, Khan Younis, Gaza Strip
Tel/+972(0) 8 2051299
Fax/+972 (0) 8 2067299
E-mail: cfta@palnet.com

TTYL :)

Going, going.....gone :)

I'm so sorry I've been awful and haven't updated in awhile but its amazing how a week can go by and there's still so much I should have done.

First off all, I want to say thank you to all who have been SO supportive off me. Without you all I wouldn't have just finished packing and setting off to London in a couple of hours to join the convoy to Gaza :) we are still under our estimated needed amount but we will get by as much as we can :)

Second of all, I'm sorry to all those I wasn't able to say bye too at all. I wish I could have seen all of you but you are all in my thoughts and there's just not enough time when you do things last min ehehehe.

This week has been a real up and down one but I have my rocks to keep me pushing and keep going. My last therapy session for awhile was so good & it was a way for me to say goodbye to my wonderful mum and tell her I will not give up. As Dory says, "just keep swimming".

So I'm off. My next update will be in London Baby!! Please send your prayers and thoughts during this journey and to my dear friends who are like family, please keep an eye out for my dad and sister. I will be forever grateful!!

So I will say "so long, farewell" and wish me luck!! Next step, picking an awesome minibus for the Culture and Free Thinking Association (CFTA) in Gaza :)

London, be ready for me :)

Appropriate to my last post

Let there be rain!

Since I am stuck at a cafe due to the very heavy storm i thought why not use this time to post something. See, rain can't bring one down :)

I just want to thank everyone right now. Those that have donated, those that have given me words of encouragement, those that have kept me in their prayers, and most importantly these close people in my life who keep helping me up I'm down. It's like I'm running in a race and I'm almost at the end of the line but the end of the line still looks far and I keep tripping up. This handful of people keep lifting me up to keep on running and I really don't know how to say thank you enough. Just their belief in me and reminding me that whatever happens at least I tried and that effort is more important.

I have had my doubts, especially if I should be going on this journey. Whether it is the right thing for me to do. Of course I feel it is the right thing to be doing but ever since mum it's been hard for me to find validation from anyone else. I believe what they say but it's not coming from her. So it's hard when I get a message saying it's the wrong thing to do and that mum wouldn't approve. I know what I'm doing has risks and i know those that say this only mean well but it gets into my head and fills it with doubt that maybe it's true.

It was funny though because when I had this negative message, an hour later I had a positive one from a family friend who had given a generous contribution and just said how proud she is and how proud mum would be. My best mate says it's like it was a message from mum herself saying to keep at it. Don't give up. Do everything you can do just to see how far you get. I sometimes wish I had her strength because she kept pushing to see how far she could go, even when she was told she couldn't.

Perhaps for those who don't know me I'll tell you a little about my wonderful mum with incredible strength. Just after I was born, she was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. Her doctors said she had 6 months to live as it was spread everywhere that there was nothing left to do. They told her she needed to think who to leave me too because at that time my father had left us. She told me that when she went through the list of people, the only person she could really leave me to was herself. So she decided she wasn't just going to sit back and listen to the doctors, she was going to fight for as long as she can. After marrying a wonderful man who really is my true dad, having my fab younger sister, started 2 companies, she lived for an extra 21 years since that first diagnosis. Whatever she wanted to do, she tried her utmost best to do it. Even during the last year of her incredible life, she visited majority of the places she wanted to do and she saw the milestones she had set herself to see, such as my dads 40th birthday, my sisters 13th birthday, and my 21st birthday. Birthday were so important for her because she felt it was a milestone that she had gotten too. She passed away the month of my dads 41st birthday.

See how incredible she was! With me I need people around me to remind me to keep going. For her, she just fought. I wish I had that. I hope I can be like that one day.

So after the past few ups and downs of the last few days, I decided to keep going and not give up. So the registration and payment is done, my doctor has given me extra encouragement I need, the flights are bought. Now it's getting the vehicle and extra cash for along the way.

So please if you can, help me try and reach my target. and I promise I won't give up.

Things to remember

I got this via email from my really good family friend who has known me since I was very tiny (man does she know all my stories). I found this email to be so true and just had to share it with you all. Think we should all be reminded of these every now and then.

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer,Cleveland , Ohio .

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short – enjoy it.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.
5.Don't buy stuff you don't need.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for things that matter.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye but don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to be happy but it's all up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what your love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive but don't forget.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

*Friends are the family that we choose.*

Jem

Never give up

A good friend of mine, Hamza, whom I met in Lebanon does these fantastic drawings and I wanted to share this particular one with you all today due the day I've had. Never give up, even when the odds are against you. What I'm trying to do is bigger then me. It's not just about my thesis but it's how I can help both as an humanitarian activist as well as an academic.

It's a new week. Time to start anew. Miracles are possible!
Have a good week ahead everyone!!

For you....

To those who are still by me today even when I have days like today, thank you just doesn't seem enough.

Pay it forward

Video from KarmaTube

Just wonderful. Thank you to this friend of mine who truly inspires me in everything he does for others, who sent me this video tonight to remind me of the good in this world.

Daily reminder

My good friend always says this to me when I start to get in a state

Questioning the faith in oneself

Today has been an odd day. okay when i say odd i mean not great. Prob out of 10 ill give it a 3. Today i started questioning the faith I have for this whole project. The faith i have in myself really. Its diminishing to be honest. I want to believe that whatever happens will happen because it is meant too. I am holding onto that belief for dear life because if i feel I'm loosing it, today would have been worse. Its hard to block out the negativity you have from people on something before you've even tried. I would say I am proud of myself for blocking it enough to even have started this blog for one and started my campaigning but on the other hand those voices, they are hard to keep pushing out. So today happened, my faith went whoop.

But then something happened just an hour ago. My belief in a friend of mine suddenly dropped due to a story he was telling. My whole belief system in him was truly shaken because it was unexpected that I would even hear what he said to me tonight to ever be heard. and yes i became judgmental and disappointed and just....shaken.

But then as i was going home i thought about it even more. why was i letting myself be shaken by this news. he was the same person, although i admit a little careless. but he was still the same friend who in the middle of the night after a long day of work knew I was having a bad day and still surprised me and kept me company at a mamak just so i could shuffle in a few laughs out of this day....well not a few, i laughed LOADS! and it helped. so he was still the same person with just this minor flaw and don't friends over-look the flaws we have in each other? so when i came back home i called him up to apologise for my behaviour and that he is still the same in my eyes, still that fab friend with just this little new flaw but still the same. henceforth my faith in him is still the same as it ever was.

I then started explaining the lack of faith im having in myself, and as the great friend he is says "at least you are trying". He didn't need to say 'I have faith in you' or anything like that, it was just that I'm trying. At least I'm trying. Because if you don't try you never know right?

So I must remember that if my faith gets a little shaken, its okay because I'm still the same person and best of all, I'm trying.

The 2nd reason

Its amazing how time goes by so fast and what happens during that time. Today i found out some news that is upsetting as when you put your trust into people, you expect that whatever you tell them remains between the people you do tell since it is your own personal business and shouldn't you be the one to tell people? So when I found out today that I have been the topic of conversation for some time now I know what I did wrong, and it was because I was too ashamed off what I was going through that hiding the information was, to me, the best thing to do. Turns out it isn't and I have always believed honesty is better because if you are not, people will start to twist things around. isnt that what Chinese whispers is?

So I am going to be honest with all of you, whomever is reading this, and its also linked to my second reason on why i started this blog.

For a few months now i have been battling with severe depression. Not only that but I only just got diagnosed by possibly having bipolar depression to be exact. Which made a lot of sense because i didnt understand why the usual medication used for people who are depressed were not working. i didnt understand why i seemed to be the odd one out, or as one of my doctors said 'thats so odd because it usually works for everyone else'. well geez doc but thanks for making me feel oh so special.

so its been a really rough ride and for a long time i didnt think there was a light at the end of the tunnel, or as some would say the light is actually a train coming towards you, which made me chuckle whilst reading one of the many self-help/depression/positive thinking/whatever you wanna name it book i have read these past few months to understand what was going on with me. it took me loosing friends, hitting rock bottom completely, being isolated from those you thought would never leave your side in order to find the correct help for me and this is why i am not angry or hurt by whatever people did to me because it led me to where i am now, which is alive and more positive and get-going then i have felt in a very long time.

i am not saying im fully cured as my therapist tells me its a long journey im going to go through but with the help of her wonderful self, plus a great doctor who finally correctly diagnosed me and the core people in my life who never left me when i thought i was alone, i will get better. ive been through a lot for those who actually, really, truly, know me. so this was just a bump in the road, that we all get but im so glad i can now understand how i can become, both the manic stage as its called and the depressive stage, which was what i was going through. and i repeat, WAS going through.

yes ok fine i will cry and today's news upset me of course for sure. but its not going to bring me down. its not going to break my spirits. because i know that whatever plan there is for me, He will lead me to it and take care of me along the way.

so this the second reason ive created this blog. its not only to raise awareness about something i have been so passionate about for years and hoping that i can now help by not just bringing aid but also on an academic level that i never thought i would be that person. but i believe i can be. so i will keep fighting to be that person.

so, in conclusion yes i have an illness. but im not insane, or mentally unstable or some have said, because if you ask those who have been with me from day one, whether its been all the time or whenever they can, they know there is a difference. and their belief in me helps me to believe in myself more. i believe now if i get all the funding i need i can go. but im a smart cookie. i know that i will ask my doctor, my therapist, my family, my friends, and myself, whether that when the time comes i can go on the convoy. if i get one no, i have back up plans which i have listed for myself due to the advice of a very good friend who thank God has such patience with me.

there are many ways i can help the people of Gaza through the convoy and gather the information for my thesis. i came up with 6 actually. so, for those who still believe and can donate, please do. i give you my word it will not be a waste. but for those who cant, just pray and think of me.

and for those who feel like they know what im talking about, my email inbox is always open. it is okay to tell people what you are going through. it helps you to find the true people in your life, the people who will help build you instead of bringing you down.

I will end with one of my favourite new quotes that was pointed out to me recently. at the end, we are all just human, trying to do our best, all the time....but its okay to have a break every now and then to re-boot.

I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe