I'm wide awake

Ive been umming and ahhing about whether to blog about something that has been bugging me for awhile and has nothing to do with my continuation of the convoy and thought its best not too in case I upset ppl. Tonight though i burst into tears when the song "wide awake" by katy perry came on the radio and i thought maybe i should let it out. Maybe i do need to write about it to feel better and understand what im feeling. Maybe my twitching eye for the past 5 days is due to this issue. But then its late so i shud sleep. Right now it's almost 4am and I was going to go to bed but I suddenly saw it's been a month since I last posted. A month!!! Where on earth has the time gone?? So I told myself to just write. What have I got to loose already since I feel like I've lost one of my very good friends. So....

I'm going to try and tell the story that won't make it so obvious as I really don't want to upset anyone but if I do, I apologize now because anything I'm about to say doesn't come from anger or jealously or being spiteful. Im just hurt and sad but I really hope that trying to understand this and moving on from it won't upset anyone.

Damn starting to doubt doing this. just pull off the band aid jemma!

I've known this particular friend of mine for awhile now but we suddenly became good friends sometime last year. I really don't remember how but I just hung out with this really fun group of ppl and became friends with them. They were not who I thought they were and we actually had more in common then I thought. Very cool!

So this friend and I became great friends where we seemed to trust each other and open up to the problems we were going through at the time. It was great because it really was a tough time for me trying to figure out some things and he just seemed to pick me up when I was in pieces, even if it was just sitting in my car for 20mins while I bawl my eyes out and he just made me laugh. During the time when I was down-spiraling into depression and when I later found out I had bipolar, he was there. He would call me up and we'd talk about tough times we were both going through. Both so similar in so many ways that we seem to help get out of sinking even more. I was just so grateful to have such a great and new friend to help me through such a tough and confusing time since I wasn't letting everyone know what was going on or ppl didn't seem to understand and pull away. Not him. He came with crisps, fizzy drinks and the best medicine, laughter.

When I went away I still heard from him and kept hearing from my sister that I was being missed. To the both of us he was like an older brother who we know would take care of us. But what I didn't realize is that this had an expiration date and it was due to the fact that some don't know how to handle relationships between different sexes when they've found the one to spend the rest of their life with. And it came without warning and lots of confusion. I guess I've grown up with a completely different culture where it's okay to be just friends with the opposite sex. It's ok that the guy hugs you when you're down and it's not sexual. And it's NOT ok to leave your pal hanging when giving a highfive or bro fist bump. I'm just a women. I'm not going to pounce on u if my knuckles touch your knuckles. Just saying.

I've been told that it is prob not being done to me on purpose, that he just doesn't know what to do in this new situation. I know that. I don't believe he would have hurt me deliberately. He's just not that type of guy. But boy does it hurt. It hurts because I can't believe I lost such a close friend all of a sudden and I didn't have time in a way to even say goodbye. I already have so few ppl in my life that I allow myself to burden when things are so tough and I lost another one. Wow such a selfish thought really. It is selfish to miss having someone to talk too hours on end or having a right ol laugh with someone who gets your humor. it's selfish to feel like you are not even a part of their life anymore when you thought you were.

So perhaps I am selfish and that I have to accept what life's like now without that friend in my life so I can fully be happy for his new life. I am happy. I know how he has suffered so much and has been wanting this for so long and I'm happy he found someone. Just if I had a little warning that our friendship would end when his new life began then I would have been more prepared. I'm still learning about Islam but I didn't know that some ppl change in this way. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's not the religion I should be angry at which has been very hard for me these past few days but I'll get there. I have too. I've just gotta pick myself up from this concrete and carry on. Least I'm awake now to the reality.

PS. For those who do not know about the song I am talking about, here is the video below. 

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PPS. Just for those who don't understand friendships between the different sexes, never were my friend and I in a relationship other then platonic. I'm not upset that a great guy slipped by...I'm upset I lost my friend. Getting that clear in case ppl read WAY too much into the lyrics of this video. 

Time waits for no one

I really am a procrastinator. I can't believe I have been back 3 months now and I still haven't finished writing about the convoy, yet done anything else I had set myself to do either. Time keeps going on and it is up to us whether we keep up with it or stay stuck. It's about time I roll with it.

It kinda makes you sit back and think what have I been doing? I guess trying to find myself is something I have been trying to do. You come back from a huge trip like the convoy and really have to assess questions that linger at the back of your mind, for me probably from the voices of others and this isn't good as it is mostly the negative. Questions such as was it a good idea to go? Did I really achieve anything? Did I even help at all? Was it purely a selfish trip? Did I disappoint everyone? Those that supported me? Why was I so mistaken in my calculations and in huge debt now? Was I really that difficult? I could go on and explain the spiral I have taken myself on.

But then 2 things can happen that make you really shut that voice in your head. One was an email I got from CFTA, the NGO in Gaza that they were able to get the items that we passed on to wonderful Seba in Cairo to pass to them. These included the laptop, books and camera that were donated from MSRI and GBP500 that I had kept aside from the donations I had received since the vehicles is still stuck in Jordan. The money will be used towards children's activities and they had sent some pictures to show the NGO leaders with the items. Looking at them I cried. Something had been achieved. It wasn't exactly everything that I had pictured but when does life ever go according to one's plans? It was something as my friends always tell me. However small, it is something. I have to repeat this to myself every time the horrid voices start. I will admit though that it helped...but I was still struggling. Well still am struggling but I am getting there.

The next thing to happen was I turned 28 3 days ago. My birthday has been an event that has been hard for me to cope with ever since mum passed. The birthdays were always a goal she had achieved. Another year she had lived and she always made it into a big deal and no matter how sick she was or how hard up we were, we just HAD to celebrate. The first year she passed i didn't honour her tradition and memory and instead insisted to my family that I just wanted to get onto a plane and sleep through my birthday. Its been 6 years now since she passed on and I still feel like doing that. Sleeping through it so I don't feel her absence. How are you supposed to celebrate with your mum? But then, Jemma, you're not the only one that does it so just go with it. This is what I told myself when my birthday was coming up this year...and I'm grateful for those who are with me, my family and friends as they so kindly organised a surprise dinner party for me and it was so good though I had to say a very brief speech and not really say what I was really thinking for I would have cried. Well its my party and I could cry if I wanted too but perhaps I didn't want to cry and just remain as happy as one could be when they are fighting sadness. But what was really nice that day was some of the messages from friends even if they were thousands of miles away. They kept saying how I should be proud of what I have achieved. Proud? Me? Really? This was something I was struggling with. One whole year had passed and I felt I was worse then last year. But after that wonderful night had ended and I spent the next day reading touching messages, I had a thought. My gosh it has been one tough year. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm whining away but it has been.

Last year before my 27th birthday I felt like I was starting to sink. Then came the many doctors trying to treat my depression. Then the dramas in my life happened. Then the recovery process of finding people who tried to understand and help and finding the right doctor and therapist for me. Then my determination of going on the convoy and recovering from the drama and after effects of that. Bloody hell what a year. Now you just ask yourself this question...are you glad you went through it? For me, yes. As much as it has been so tough looking back and seeing yourself gradually falling then suddenly rolling to rock bottom and still trying to claw your way up, I'm glad I went through it. I guess people are right. I am strong or at least trying to be. Trying to not give up.

So I am going to end here by saying thank you and you know who your are. Without all of you I couldn't have gotten through what felt like hell or gone and done something that I have been dreaming too since I got into being an activist. Life really does suck....but its less sucky when you're not alone. And I know I'm not alone.

Thank you

My wonderful family...with mum's fav flowers

Fab friends who remind me to celebrate

Going, going.....gone :)

I'm so sorry I've been awful and haven't updated in awhile but its amazing how a week can go by and there's still so much I should have done.

First off all, I want to say thank you to all who have been SO supportive off me. Without you all I wouldn't have just finished packing and setting off to London in a couple of hours to join the convoy to Gaza :) we are still under our estimated needed amount but we will get by as much as we can :)

Second of all, I'm sorry to all those I wasn't able to say bye too at all. I wish I could have seen all of you but you are all in my thoughts and there's just not enough time when you do things last min ehehehe.

This week has been a real up and down one but I have my rocks to keep me pushing and keep going. My last therapy session for awhile was so good & it was a way for me to say goodbye to my wonderful mum and tell her I will not give up. As Dory says, "just keep swimming".

So I'm off. My next update will be in London Baby!! Please send your prayers and thoughts during this journey and to my dear friends who are like family, please keep an eye out for my dad and sister. I will be forever grateful!!

So I will say "so long, farewell" and wish me luck!! Next step, picking an awesome minibus for the Culture and Free Thinking Association (CFTA) in Gaza :)

London, be ready for me :)

Let there be rain!

Since I am stuck at a cafe due to the very heavy storm i thought why not use this time to post something. See, rain can't bring one down :)

I just want to thank everyone right now. Those that have donated, those that have given me words of encouragement, those that have kept me in their prayers, and most importantly these close people in my life who keep helping me up I'm down. It's like I'm running in a race and I'm almost at the end of the line but the end of the line still looks far and I keep tripping up. This handful of people keep lifting me up to keep on running and I really don't know how to say thank you enough. Just their belief in me and reminding me that whatever happens at least I tried and that effort is more important.

I have had my doubts, especially if I should be going on this journey. Whether it is the right thing for me to do. Of course I feel it is the right thing to be doing but ever since mum it's been hard for me to find validation from anyone else. I believe what they say but it's not coming from her. So it's hard when I get a message saying it's the wrong thing to do and that mum wouldn't approve. I know what I'm doing has risks and i know those that say this only mean well but it gets into my head and fills it with doubt that maybe it's true.

It was funny though because when I had this negative message, an hour later I had a positive one from a family friend who had given a generous contribution and just said how proud she is and how proud mum would be. My best mate says it's like it was a message from mum herself saying to keep at it. Don't give up. Do everything you can do just to see how far you get. I sometimes wish I had her strength because she kept pushing to see how far she could go, even when she was told she couldn't.

Perhaps for those who don't know me I'll tell you a little about my wonderful mum with incredible strength. Just after I was born, she was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. Her doctors said she had 6 months to live as it was spread everywhere that there was nothing left to do. They told her she needed to think who to leave me too because at that time my father had left us. She told me that when she went through the list of people, the only person she could really leave me to was herself. So she decided she wasn't just going to sit back and listen to the doctors, she was going to fight for as long as she can. After marrying a wonderful man who really is my true dad, having my fab younger sister, started 2 companies, she lived for an extra 21 years since that first diagnosis. Whatever she wanted to do, she tried her utmost best to do it. Even during the last year of her incredible life, she visited majority of the places she wanted to do and she saw the milestones she had set herself to see, such as my dads 40th birthday, my sisters 13th birthday, and my 21st birthday. Birthday were so important for her because she felt it was a milestone that she had gotten too. She passed away the month of my dads 41st birthday.

See how incredible she was! With me I need people around me to remind me to keep going. For her, she just fought. I wish I had that. I hope I can be like that one day.

So after the past few ups and downs of the last few days, I decided to keep going and not give up. So the registration and payment is done, my doctor has given me extra encouragement I need, the flights are bought. Now it's getting the vehicle and extra cash for along the way.

So please if you can, help me try and reach my target. and I promise I won't give up.

Wed. 4th April 2012 News

Some news I found yesterday but only just got to my computer :)

1. Israeli forces attempt to arrest 2-year-old Palestinian child
2. Hunger-Striking Detainee Moved To Hospital
3. Fuel tankers arrive in Gaza
4. Galway Palestine Children Appeal distribute aid in Gaza
5. ICC rejects Palestinian bid to investigate Israeli war crimes during 'Cast Lead' Gaza operation
6. Swedish activists plan another Gaza aid flotilla this year


On a more personal note, i realised something today. I was told recently that I need to prove myself to people as people's perceptions have changed. I decided today that I don't need to do that. I know I work hard and I know I have tried my up-most best to face all my difficulties I have faced with these past few months and just because some people who don't know what has been going on have a perception on me now, I don't need to prove or say anything. Just move on and let it be. People are entitled and have a right to their opinion so I also have my right to do what is best for me. So I help those in need as much as I can and tonight was such a fab night with fab friends and at the same time welcomed a person in need to Malaysia. To me, that's time well spent.

Letting go

I've been told that one of the things that can lead a person to be happy is to let things go, particularly the past (found at http://www.purposefairy.com/3308/15-things-you-should-give-up-in-order-to-be-happy/). I've realised though that this concept is very hard for me to do. I not only not let go of issues but I usually just sweep them under this carpet of issues I have and carry on till one day the carpet flies open due to a gust of wind called reality and I'm faced with the issue again. One of my best mates always tells me to let go. I wish they had a class that can help one to let go.

So a few days ago I was faced with an issue that I guess keeps coming back over the past year because I live in Hollywood land so sometimes I think my so-called movie life might end up as the reality. So I decided to face up to it once and for all, even if it meant killing the movie. It did. Reality won. But hey, as my therapist said I was very brave in doing that and at least I now know what the reality is. It should have been an issue I had moved on from months ago but I guess I really am a dreamer. Oh well.

Then another issue popped up linked to a recent event that occurred that I'm still trying to get over and I didn't know whether I should participate in the event or not as it would have meant I would be walking backwards rather then moving forwards. So I chose to continue to move forwards, to continue to let it go and turns out I'm happy with my decision. I didn't need to go and prove myself to anyone nor did I need to hear any negativity that I know would have upset me. I just let it go.

So I'm learning. It takes time but one does learn. What I did discover though in therapy yesterday was that I actually haven't really said goodbye to my mum. Physically yes but not from my heart I haven't said goodbye. That I'm not ready. I know ill have to do it soon but yesterday I wasn't ready. I will be though and I hope I'm strong enough for it to be sooner rather then later.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

Things to remember

I got this via email from my really good family friend who has known me since I was very tiny (man does she know all my stories). I found this email to be so true and just had to share it with you all. Think we should all be reminded of these every now and then.

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer,Cleveland , Ohio .

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short – enjoy it.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.
5.Don't buy stuff you don't need.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for things that matter.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye but don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to be happy but it's all up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what your love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive but don't forget.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

*Friends are the family that we choose.*

Jem

Never give up

A good friend of mine, Hamza, whom I met in Lebanon does these fantastic drawings and I wanted to share this particular one with you all today due the day I've had. Never give up, even when the odds are against you. What I'm trying to do is bigger then me. It's not just about my thesis but it's how I can help both as an humanitarian activist as well as an academic.

It's a new week. Time to start anew. Miracles are possible!
Have a good week ahead everyone!!

For you....

To those who are still by me today even when I have days like today, thank you just doesn't seem enough.

Pay it forward

Video from KarmaTube

Just wonderful. Thank you to this friend of mine who truly inspires me in everything he does for others, who sent me this video tonight to remind me of the good in this world.

Daily reminder

My good friend always says this to me when I start to get in a state

Questioning the faith in oneself

Today has been an odd day. okay when i say odd i mean not great. Prob out of 10 ill give it a 3. Today i started questioning the faith I have for this whole project. The faith i have in myself really. Its diminishing to be honest. I want to believe that whatever happens will happen because it is meant too. I am holding onto that belief for dear life because if i feel I'm loosing it, today would have been worse. Its hard to block out the negativity you have from people on something before you've even tried. I would say I am proud of myself for blocking it enough to even have started this blog for one and started my campaigning but on the other hand those voices, they are hard to keep pushing out. So today happened, my faith went whoop.

But then something happened just an hour ago. My belief in a friend of mine suddenly dropped due to a story he was telling. My whole belief system in him was truly shaken because it was unexpected that I would even hear what he said to me tonight to ever be heard. and yes i became judgmental and disappointed and just....shaken.

But then as i was going home i thought about it even more. why was i letting myself be shaken by this news. he was the same person, although i admit a little careless. but he was still the same friend who in the middle of the night after a long day of work knew I was having a bad day and still surprised me and kept me company at a mamak just so i could shuffle in a few laughs out of this day....well not a few, i laughed LOADS! and it helped. so he was still the same person with just this minor flaw and don't friends over-look the flaws we have in each other? so when i came back home i called him up to apologise for my behaviour and that he is still the same in my eyes, still that fab friend with just this little new flaw but still the same. henceforth my faith in him is still the same as it ever was.

I then started explaining the lack of faith im having in myself, and as the great friend he is says "at least you are trying". He didn't need to say 'I have faith in you' or anything like that, it was just that I'm trying. At least I'm trying. Because if you don't try you never know right?

So I must remember that if my faith gets a little shaken, its okay because I'm still the same person and best of all, I'm trying.

The 2nd reason

Its amazing how time goes by so fast and what happens during that time. Today i found out some news that is upsetting as when you put your trust into people, you expect that whatever you tell them remains between the people you do tell since it is your own personal business and shouldn't you be the one to tell people? So when I found out today that I have been the topic of conversation for some time now I know what I did wrong, and it was because I was too ashamed off what I was going through that hiding the information was, to me, the best thing to do. Turns out it isn't and I have always believed honesty is better because if you are not, people will start to twist things around. isnt that what Chinese whispers is?

So I am going to be honest with all of you, whomever is reading this, and its also linked to my second reason on why i started this blog.

For a few months now i have been battling with severe depression. Not only that but I only just got diagnosed by possibly having bipolar depression to be exact. Which made a lot of sense because i didnt understand why the usual medication used for people who are depressed were not working. i didnt understand why i seemed to be the odd one out, or as one of my doctors said 'thats so odd because it usually works for everyone else'. well geez doc but thanks for making me feel oh so special.

so its been a really rough ride and for a long time i didnt think there was a light at the end of the tunnel, or as some would say the light is actually a train coming towards you, which made me chuckle whilst reading one of the many self-help/depression/positive thinking/whatever you wanna name it book i have read these past few months to understand what was going on with me. it took me loosing friends, hitting rock bottom completely, being isolated from those you thought would never leave your side in order to find the correct help for me and this is why i am not angry or hurt by whatever people did to me because it led me to where i am now, which is alive and more positive and get-going then i have felt in a very long time.

i am not saying im fully cured as my therapist tells me its a long journey im going to go through but with the help of her wonderful self, plus a great doctor who finally correctly diagnosed me and the core people in my life who never left me when i thought i was alone, i will get better. ive been through a lot for those who actually, really, truly, know me. so this was just a bump in the road, that we all get but im so glad i can now understand how i can become, both the manic stage as its called and the depressive stage, which was what i was going through. and i repeat, WAS going through.

yes ok fine i will cry and today's news upset me of course for sure. but its not going to bring me down. its not going to break my spirits. because i know that whatever plan there is for me, He will lead me to it and take care of me along the way.

so this the second reason ive created this blog. its not only to raise awareness about something i have been so passionate about for years and hoping that i can now help by not just bringing aid but also on an academic level that i never thought i would be that person. but i believe i can be. so i will keep fighting to be that person.

so, in conclusion yes i have an illness. but im not insane, or mentally unstable or some have said, because if you ask those who have been with me from day one, whether its been all the time or whenever they can, they know there is a difference. and their belief in me helps me to believe in myself more. i believe now if i get all the funding i need i can go. but im a smart cookie. i know that i will ask my doctor, my therapist, my family, my friends, and myself, whether that when the time comes i can go on the convoy. if i get one no, i have back up plans which i have listed for myself due to the advice of a very good friend who thank God has such patience with me.

there are many ways i can help the people of Gaza through the convoy and gather the information for my thesis. i came up with 6 actually. so, for those who still believe and can donate, please do. i give you my word it will not be a waste. but for those who cant, just pray and think of me.

and for those who feel like they know what im talking about, my email inbox is always open. it is okay to tell people what you are going through. it helps you to find the true people in your life, the people who will help build you instead of bringing you down.

I will end with one of my favourite new quotes that was pointed out to me recently. at the end, we are all just human, trying to do our best, all the time....but its okay to have a break every now and then to re-boot.

I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe

Broadway Bites - a must see

Ok so my 2nd post should be about the second reason why I started this blog but since I'm short of time at the moment and I just saw a FAB musical that also is helping an NGO, it ties in with my theme.

So for all those in KL who have stumbled upon my blog, you must go see the musical Broadway Bites which is held at DBKL auditorium. I'm actually sad I only just saw it today as tonight and tomorrow afternoon are the last shows but if you can catch it please do. Its worth watching (and I'm not just saying this because a friend is in it). I've been quite down this week due to sad news of my employers letting me go out of the blue but I've been strong and positive about it since the news broke. Yesterday I finally broke. I couldn't pretend anymore. But seeing this musical has really lifted my spirits today and feeling a little alive again.

So yes if one can do go. Plus it goes to a good cause. An NGO named Projek Hati Nurani, which helps to provide education for children in hospitals due to their illness.

For more info go to Ticket2u.biz. I hope ull be able to go, shake your groove thing as you can't stop the beat!!