Forgiving, being thankful, and moving on

It's almost December. Sheesh. Does time fly. But you know the weird thing? This year doesn't seem to be going as fast as it usually does. It just seems to keep dragging on...and I just want it to either hurry the hell up  or at least give me more time to get my head wrapped up in this year. Its just so hard and I'm just trying so hard to hold on. Gawd I feel so bad about saying this due to recent events that have been happening in Gaza but with some of the crap that has been happening this year, I'm just feeling numb. I actually don't know what I'm feeling sometimes but I know I'm sad. Sometimes I don't even know why. And I've been feeling sad and actually kinda alone even though I'm with people who care about me.

I have started this routine for myself at the end of the day where I write what I've done, what I've eaten, how much I've spent and I recently discovered this handy lil calender that I recently downloaded on my iPad has an emotion icon to write how you've felt that day. So I started reviewing the past few weeks. It kinda shocked me that on most days I was just fine. Even when I'm with my best friends or at my fav restaurant or just chilling at home, I've been feeling sad but with happiness due to these facts. But I'm not fully happy....I'm fine. That's not good. Something is bugging me. Something is bringing me down and, especially these dear best friends of mine, they are trying to help me through it. But I just cannot stand all the crap that has happened. Finding out people you trusted the most betray that trust, ppl you thought were so close to you blocking you on FB and deleting you off BBM, friends suddenly contacting you less and you don't know why, friends just not being who you thought they were. You trust them with everything you had and your faith gets shaken. You work so hard for people and they just walk all over you. I feel like I've lost almost everything that was so dear to me at the beginning of the year this year just not ending or feeling any better. I'm sad and I have to admit angry and bitter. and sometimes confused because I know I should be feeling happy but it just doesn't feel as real as it should. 

I'm mostly upset about the events that took place at the beginning of the year. It was a horrid start to it already and just went downhill from there but I guess I didn't feel the pain because I had the convoy to focus on. But being back it seems to be a big bubble that's in my face and I can't even burst it or be a part of it. Deep down I know I don't want to be a part of it anymore and you should move on because that's life, to move on. But I can't get over this hurt. (Note to any who are reading this and suffer from bipolar 2.....if you can feel yourself getting into that really dark place and thinking, what I have found is that I either put myself too sleep or just have someone you trust to hug you and will help to bring you back before you walk down that path. I've been down there so I make it a point to make sure I don't go down it. Usually I am alone during these moments as they can't be with you 24/7 so sleep works wonders for me. If you have any suggestions please do let me know)

So what must I do? Apparently forgive even when they haven't said sorry to you. 

So that's what I am going to try and do and since today is Thanksgiving, I shall think of all the thankful things they did give to me. 

-the knowledge to know more about the issue an actually wanting to know more about it

-finding out that this is the type of person I want to be, an activist

-making me learn new skills that I never knew I could do, especially with IT stuff and programs. Who knew I would be good at it

-realising that saying the word NO is good to do for myself and it can protect me from getting trampled on after all the hard work

-realising that I need to prioritise what I have to do in my life and that trying to save the world sometimes has to wait. Turning up to a meeting the night before an exam is NOT good

-allowing me to go to wonderful places abroad that I never knew I would go to or end up loving. 

-allowing me to meet wonderful academics and experts in the field

-In 2007, i wrote out this quiz on FB on "who is the person I would love to meet' ad I put down George Galloway. Well I have not only met him but I know that if I'm ever in the UK I can go drop by and see him and he will know who I am lol

-meeting wonderful people who understand why I do what I do and some of them I can call my dear friends even though they are so far away

-meeting wonderful people in KL whom I know are there for me if I give them a call

-and prob one of the most important things, meeting one of my best friends, whom if it was planned for me to fall and find out about my diagnosis when it happened, I am glad he has stuck by me even though I am the biggest pain in the ass. 

So with that in mind,I am going to get you all to watch one of my mum's fav songs 'Lif' by Des'ree, which she actually performed at with her great friends at her 40th birthday. Wow 10 years ago...damn I really wish you were here mum.

I'm wide awake

Ive been umming and ahhing about whether to blog about something that has been bugging me for awhile and has nothing to do with my continuation of the convoy and thought its best not too in case I upset ppl. Tonight though i burst into tears when the song "wide awake" by katy perry came on the radio and i thought maybe i should let it out. Maybe i do need to write about it to feel better and understand what im feeling. Maybe my twitching eye for the past 5 days is due to this issue. But then its late so i shud sleep. Right now it's almost 4am and I was going to go to bed but I suddenly saw it's been a month since I last posted. A month!!! Where on earth has the time gone?? So I told myself to just write. What have I got to loose already since I feel like I've lost one of my very good friends. So....

I'm going to try and tell the story that won't make it so obvious as I really don't want to upset anyone but if I do, I apologize now because anything I'm about to say doesn't come from anger or jealously or being spiteful. Im just hurt and sad but I really hope that trying to understand this and moving on from it won't upset anyone.

Damn starting to doubt doing this. just pull off the band aid jemma!

I've known this particular friend of mine for awhile now but we suddenly became good friends sometime last year. I really don't remember how but I just hung out with this really fun group of ppl and became friends with them. They were not who I thought they were and we actually had more in common then I thought. Very cool!

So this friend and I became great friends where we seemed to trust each other and open up to the problems we were going through at the time. It was great because it really was a tough time for me trying to figure out some things and he just seemed to pick me up when I was in pieces, even if it was just sitting in my car for 20mins while I bawl my eyes out and he just made me laugh. During the time when I was down-spiraling into depression and when I later found out I had bipolar, he was there. He would call me up and we'd talk about tough times we were both going through. Both so similar in so many ways that we seem to help get out of sinking even more. I was just so grateful to have such a great and new friend to help me through such a tough and confusing time since I wasn't letting everyone know what was going on or ppl didn't seem to understand and pull away. Not him. He came with crisps, fizzy drinks and the best medicine, laughter.

When I went away I still heard from him and kept hearing from my sister that I was being missed. To the both of us he was like an older brother who we know would take care of us. But what I didn't realize is that this had an expiration date and it was due to the fact that some don't know how to handle relationships between different sexes when they've found the one to spend the rest of their life with. And it came without warning and lots of confusion. I guess I've grown up with a completely different culture where it's okay to be just friends with the opposite sex. It's ok that the guy hugs you when you're down and it's not sexual. And it's NOT ok to leave your pal hanging when giving a highfive or bro fist bump. I'm just a women. I'm not going to pounce on u if my knuckles touch your knuckles. Just saying.

I've been told that it is prob not being done to me on purpose, that he just doesn't know what to do in this new situation. I know that. I don't believe he would have hurt me deliberately. He's just not that type of guy. But boy does it hurt. It hurts because I can't believe I lost such a close friend all of a sudden and I didn't have time in a way to even say goodbye. I already have so few ppl in my life that I allow myself to burden when things are so tough and I lost another one. Wow such a selfish thought really. It is selfish to miss having someone to talk too hours on end or having a right ol laugh with someone who gets your humor. it's selfish to feel like you are not even a part of their life anymore when you thought you were.

So perhaps I am selfish and that I have to accept what life's like now without that friend in my life so I can fully be happy for his new life. I am happy. I know how he has suffered so much and has been wanting this for so long and I'm happy he found someone. Just if I had a little warning that our friendship would end when his new life began then I would have been more prepared. I'm still learning about Islam but I didn't know that some ppl change in this way. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's not the religion I should be angry at which has been very hard for me these past few days but I'll get there. I have too. I've just gotta pick myself up from this concrete and carry on. Least I'm awake now to the reality.

PS. For those who do not know about the song I am talking about, here is the video below. 

>

PPS. Just for those who don't understand friendships between the different sexes, never were my friend and I in a relationship other then platonic. I'm not upset that a great guy slipped by...I'm upset I lost my friend. Getting that clear in case ppl read WAY too much into the lyrics of this video. 

Amman to Aqaba

I remember waking up to this day and really not feeling well but you just get up and go with it really. After a hearty breakfast we all went onto the bus and headed back to the syndicate where we had been the night before for a press conference with the people who were hosting us in Jordan. I think it was halfway through that I suddenly felt very cold and had to borrow Richard's jacket. After I remember going outside still with the jacket and then Richard came back with a blanket and I just sat on the steps wrapped around this blanket. I'm in Jordan, outside, with a blanket. Something wasn't very right. Sylvia went to try and find someone who could help and in a way it was lucky I was at the syndicate as there was a doctor. She prescribed some meds for me and I found out she is from Gaza and gave me her sister's details because she hasn't been able to see her for 15 years due to not being able to go back to Gaza since she left for Jordan. I couldn't imagine not being able to see my family for 1 month let alone 15 years!!! :( It really saddens me that I never got to see her sister to pass on the message as this doctor was so sweet and whatever she gave me really did help me tremendously. I am forever grateful! 

I then stayed in this room and I'm pretty sure I fell asleep whilst Faisal was making sure I was okay. I do remember waking up as this interview was being conducted in the room and it was another NGO in Jordan who were also doing a convoy to Gaza but they regretted that they couldn't join our convoy as all their arrangements to fly to Egypt had been done already and they would be leaving a week later. Never mind, maybe next time :) They were very nice and said sorry for being there but all was good and I felt much better after the nap. We then went and found the others who were having lunch. Oh yes I remember that lunch. Massive lunch and it was sooo good!!! If I'm not mistaken I have Faisal a piece of chicken because it was too much haha. Must ask him. Then we went outside to try and meet the people who were so great at hosting us but time was running out and we needed to make a move. We said our goodbyes and headed off to Aqaba with the Jordanian police escort. 

I think it was roughly 4 or 5 hours to get to Aqaba. We did one quick stop for a toilet break, magrib prayers and lots and lots of coffee hehe. I don't remember much of the trip as I am pretty sure I dosed off every now and then (really hopeless) but we got to this area where al the vans could park with no problem and then all got into the bus with as little as possible and headed to our accommodation. It was an apartment type so there were about 5 in each apartment. I'm pretty sure Faisal and I either had noodles for dinner or sandwiches. Either way it was a quick dinner before crashing to sleep to prepare for the very unexpected, long waiting game that was coming....

...till then :)

PS. Due to not being on my game that day (plus lack of pics on my fb, ill include a picture of the rocky mountains that surrounded us in Jordan :)

About time

There are two reasons why one should NOT procrastinate when it comes to blogs. One is that so much time has passed that you have to sit and really think about what went on the day you want to write about that happened...sheesh 4 months ago! With a memory like mine it is a very difficult task. Two is that I really wanted to attach photos to this post but unfortunately my poor computer got hit by lightning a couple of weeks ago and I've only just sent it to get fixed which will take another two weeks!! One becomes so lost without technology nowadays and everyone at home is getting edgy without the computer. So I now have to post today's post without pictures. Will put them up when my computer is fully recovered. In the meantime...

...in order to think about what I was going to write I have been reading a few of the old posts to get my mind back into the convoy mode. Really makes me miss everyone and the whole experience but it really saddens me due to the horrific events that are happening in Syria right now. It is so confusing to know what the truth is but I do know that looking at other countries who have other countries getting involved in their business have turned into nothing but destruction and chaos. I just pray for all the Syrians, especially those I met on my trip. The people I met were just amazing and so friendly, especially the couple who joined us and the wife became my flatmate for awhile in Jordan as her husband had to go back for work. I really do hope and pray they are okay.

Actually thinking about it, it is very hard to write this post without pictures. What I will write is that I was very good and woke up at 7am to help rearrange the aid that was delivered that night before and load them into the vans. There was a bit of confusion on what to put were but we sorted it out after a few hours. Quick breakfast, said goodbye to our hosts the Palestinian National Council and off we went to the border between Jordan and Syria. Thinking about our border crossings, this was the smoothest one we went through but I had the most traumatic public toilet experience that you could now take me to any public toilet and I will be able to handle it. It was that bad and I won't describe it here. And dad has been saying for years that the one thing he worries about is how am I going to handle the toilet situation hehe. Well dad, I did it! No need for the portable toilet at the back of the vehicle :p

Just had a thought....my Facebook pictures!!

Assessing how to load the medical aid...great Babaji :)

 Load it up boys!

I love this pic as it looks like Faz is directing Faisal on what to do

Carole assessing how many more boxes can fit inside...what would we do without Carole!

All lined up and waiting to go

Hello Jordan!

Yey for Facebook! Oh yes and I remember, we almost left two guys behind as we left straight on the dot whatever time it was we were supposed to leave and they were not there. Was funny seeing them running towards us. Taught us that if a time is set a time is set, whether you're there or not.

Going into Jordan was so different then all the countries we had passed. For one, all you could see was flat land with hardly anything around. I think at that point I had taken so many scenic pictures that I hardly took any of going into Jordan.

Flat and bare lands of Jordan

Thinking about it, that day was a long day. From getting up very early in the morning to driving through flat and bare land. Then we sat waiting by the side of the road just outside Amman for absolutely ages! When we got to this spot it was very hot and sunny. When we left, it was completely dark. What happened, we were told, is that we were waiting for the Jordanian police escort to escort us to the place we wanted to go. I don't know what took them so long but apparently it was a different area of Jordan hence we had to wait for that area police to arrive. Whatever it was it took ages and we all started to get hungry and edgy. Crisps, melted chocolate and sandwiches started coming out. The highlight was Faz finding a very tiny tortoise shown below. So cute!! Think the guys that were staying at the place we had pulled up too owned it. 

So after waiting a very long time for this police escort we finally made a move into Amman. Whatever way they took us really was going through real back ways of the city and I think I remember passing a KFC 3 times...and think it was the same one hahaha. Anywayz, we finally made it to our destination which was the Syndicate where doctors, lawyers, professors, engineers etc go too. These poor people had been waiting for us all day as they were hosting an event in support for the Palestinian Prisoners and some students were following the hunger strike for support. However because we arrived so late, most people had to leave and would be back the following day to see us. We did sit and talk with the students who were fasting and they had been going everyday since the hunger strikes had started. They told us about the prisoners who were on hunger strikes and all the ridiculous charges they had been sentenced. There is no justice into why they are in prison in the first place.

After a very long day we finally went to our apartments and I was feeling so ill at this point and just passed out. Next day was horrid for me but will explain it another time :)

Passing on the torch

Below is my very good friend Louisa Chong whom I am teaching how to use blogspot. She has a wonderful story to tell to everyone and I am introducing her to blogging to share to the world :D

Will post her link soon!

UPDATE!! Please follow her at louisachongsblog.blogspot.com :)

Time waits for no one

I really am a procrastinator. I can't believe I have been back 3 months now and I still haven't finished writing about the convoy, yet done anything else I had set myself to do either. Time keeps going on and it is up to us whether we keep up with it or stay stuck. It's about time I roll with it.

It kinda makes you sit back and think what have I been doing? I guess trying to find myself is something I have been trying to do. You come back from a huge trip like the convoy and really have to assess questions that linger at the back of your mind, for me probably from the voices of others and this isn't good as it is mostly the negative. Questions such as was it a good idea to go? Did I really achieve anything? Did I even help at all? Was it purely a selfish trip? Did I disappoint everyone? Those that supported me? Why was I so mistaken in my calculations and in huge debt now? Was I really that difficult? I could go on and explain the spiral I have taken myself on.

But then 2 things can happen that make you really shut that voice in your head. One was an email I got from CFTA, the NGO in Gaza that they were able to get the items that we passed on to wonderful Seba in Cairo to pass to them. These included the laptop, books and camera that were donated from MSRI and GBP500 that I had kept aside from the donations I had received since the vehicles is still stuck in Jordan. The money will be used towards children's activities and they had sent some pictures to show the NGO leaders with the items. Looking at them I cried. Something had been achieved. It wasn't exactly everything that I had pictured but when does life ever go according to one's plans? It was something as my friends always tell me. However small, it is something. I have to repeat this to myself every time the horrid voices start. I will admit though that it helped...but I was still struggling. Well still am struggling but I am getting there.

The next thing to happen was I turned 28 3 days ago. My birthday has been an event that has been hard for me to cope with ever since mum passed. The birthdays were always a goal she had achieved. Another year she had lived and she always made it into a big deal and no matter how sick she was or how hard up we were, we just HAD to celebrate. The first year she passed i didn't honour her tradition and memory and instead insisted to my family that I just wanted to get onto a plane and sleep through my birthday. Its been 6 years now since she passed on and I still feel like doing that. Sleeping through it so I don't feel her absence. How are you supposed to celebrate with your mum? But then, Jemma, you're not the only one that does it so just go with it. This is what I told myself when my birthday was coming up this year...and I'm grateful for those who are with me, my family and friends as they so kindly organised a surprise dinner party for me and it was so good though I had to say a very brief speech and not really say what I was really thinking for I would have cried. Well its my party and I could cry if I wanted too but perhaps I didn't want to cry and just remain as happy as one could be when they are fighting sadness. But what was really nice that day was some of the messages from friends even if they were thousands of miles away. They kept saying how I should be proud of what I have achieved. Proud? Me? Really? This was something I was struggling with. One whole year had passed and I felt I was worse then last year. But after that wonderful night had ended and I spent the next day reading touching messages, I had a thought. My gosh it has been one tough year. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm whining away but it has been.

Last year before my 27th birthday I felt like I was starting to sink. Then came the many doctors trying to treat my depression. Then the dramas in my life happened. Then the recovery process of finding people who tried to understand and help and finding the right doctor and therapist for me. Then my determination of going on the convoy and recovering from the drama and after effects of that. Bloody hell what a year. Now you just ask yourself this question...are you glad you went through it? For me, yes. As much as it has been so tough looking back and seeing yourself gradually falling then suddenly rolling to rock bottom and still trying to claw your way up, I'm glad I went through it. I guess people are right. I am strong or at least trying to be. Trying to not give up.

So I am going to end here by saying thank you and you know who your are. Without all of you I couldn't have gotten through what felt like hell or gone and done something that I have been dreaming too since I got into being an activist. Life really does suck....but its less sucky when you're not alone. And I know I'm not alone.

Thank you

My wonderful family...with mum's fav flowers

Fab friends who remind me to celebrate

Pics in Syria

Continuing from my last post, thought it would be nice to add some pictures to it :)

Fellow convoyers donating blood

During the press conference





Moving the aid into the hotel












Just an update. We are safe and sound back in KL. Been a bit hard to adjust if im being honest. its funny how things can change in just 10 weeks. Hopefully ill be able to sleep properly soon!! Till then :)

Will get back to you soon

Again I'm sorry I haven't updated. I think whomever does go on a convoy knows how exhausting one feels after coming back plus being ill for most of the time plus the bipolar is just a lil too much. So I've just been really trying to rest and see family. We will be leaving tomorrow night and so once I've settled I'll finish the convoy stories :) sorry for the delay! Thanks guys!

Syria Leg - day 2

I'm still in London trying to get a flight home but since I'm feeling a lil better I thought it's best I continue my blog :)

So day 2 in Syria. Like insaid earlier we got a wake up call at 6am. This day was when not only was I sick but then started to develop the flu and was a bit bogged up. So went to get changed and all and was told breakfast is upstairs. Was so funny as at 7:15am the receptionist calls and says 'it's 7:15 now what are you doing?" so I reply "we are going for breakfast" and he says "ah ok very good". It was just so funny to me at that time in the morning. So off we went but as we came out the elevator Kevin was there saying we literally have to leave now so just grab whatever and go. It was too early for me to eat anyway so we grabbed some bread and water and off we went to our vans.

I love this time when we are all getting in and rounding ourselves up in sequence waiting for the z1 to go. You get this adrenalin pump like if ayone has seen the movie twister and everyone is getting in their cars and your in a rush to just go. It's something like that. Sorry just missing everyone right now.

So off we went to Damascus. Again I know there are things happening over in Syria but I'm telling you from what I saw. I saw really beautiful landscape, the people going about their own business, waving to us and giving us the thumbs up when we passed by. If i can remember correctly, this was the 1st country where everyone we passed either stood up from where they were standing and running to the road just to wave. It was amazing really. I can understand now why the queen doesn't wave with much effort cause by the time we got to Damascus my arm was aching but I didn't care. When people are happy to see you, pain in nothing.

Damascus looks like a beautiful city, much like the other ones we have passed, bustling with people. I have heard that driving through Syria can be a nightmare but I've been to Lebanon so didn't flinch at all. Just had to really pay attention to the car in front so that we didn't get lost in Damascus. At one point we stopped as a small group from the PNC had set up another welcome committee just coming into Damascus with this sign saying The Right To Return Convoy (pictures will be up soon once I get to a computer) and it was a lovely stopped whereby we all jumped out, took photos, met our good friend Nabil whom I've met in Lebanon before. Just nice after a long journey. We did have a lil escort which was organized for our safety by the Palestinian National Council as well as VPA talking to all sides to ensure our safety. As I've said before I trust the leadership knows what they are doing and I will repeat myself cause I know all the haters out there for our whole 6 weeks trip and it just seems they don't read so I'm just repeating for their benefit because you know sometimes when you get a blog like this I'm sure it must be very hard to scan and read long blogs like mine just so words can be twisted so I'll repeat just for you.

VPA spoke to ALL sides regarding us passing through Syria and ALL sides agreed we will be safe. Let's face it who wants Palestinian activists on a humanitarian mission to be killed. AND one important fact. We were greeted and hosted by the Palestinian National Council (PNC). They were the ones taking care of us. They consist of doctors, lawyers, teachers, engineers, you name it. Not just Palestinians but also Syrians. Okay? I hope repeating helps but I can imagine someone out there having a hard time reading and just picking a few points to be twisted but oh well.

So after a pretty long journey from Tartus to Damascus (think if we left by 8am, it took us prob 5 hours), we arrived at this beautiful hotel (yes also arranged by the Palestinian National Council) and settled in. Think we were given 30mins to settle in then we all loaded ourselves into the big school bus Richard drives and went to the office of the PNC where the greeting was so wonderful and there were pictures around the meeting room of Jerusalem and Al Aqsa. Just lovely. By this time tho I felt so ill and just tried my best to keep smiling. They did serve wonderful biscuits though. then we went to take group photos in the front of the bus and off back to the hotel where a wonderful lunchnwas waiting for us. Thinking about it makes me full. Just wonderful.

During lunch we were told about the bombing that had happened in Damascus nearby the airport. Just awful. The bomb went off during the hours when children were going to school. White phosphorus was used I will say and who usually uses that in their bombs?? Think! So we had heard that the PNC and the Palestinian Youth were going to donate blood for the victims and a group of us wanted to go too. So after a lil rest after lunch we met up with this wonderful lady who is a human rights lawyer and she took us to a hospital where 5 of my friends went to give blood. I would have joined them but due to me being sick (think it was day 21 by then) I couldn't so I was photographer instead. The queue for people to donate blood was amazing! From all sorts of places these people were from. Besides the Syrians and Palestinains coming to donate blood there were Iraqis that we spoke too and I'm sure other nationalities turned up too. This bomb was devastating but the way people were brought together to help those that had been injured showed the unity. It didn't matter who you were, what race you were, what your political stand was, you saw your fellow countrymen injured and thisnwas their way of supporting them. That was really touching.

After everyone had given their pint of blood (Faz was so pumped up he wanted to give more) we went back to the hotel where we walked around the neighbourhood to see some sights. Must have been around 6pm by this time and it was like a normal city. I resisted going into shops though as I know how cheap Syria can be. So we went to rest before the press conference.

During the press conference, loads of press turned up. Since I wasn't feeling well and prob looked like crap I stayed by the side to take pics of my friends. One cameraman almost had his flash extension fall on the floor but Rahmah and I had such quick and in sync thinking that using both our legs we caught it just in time. But then we had to sit there and not have a right giggle. So funny!

After, we went to the lounge and just chatted and chilled. We then got the hunger pangs so went up for dinner where again, wonderful food. You can't complain really. Then we had a nice night where a group of us chilled outside the hotel foyer with our drinks and shisha and had a fab convo with Kevin about politics. I may have been so ill by this point but you just can't leave conversations like that.

Luckily though we were there because a tipper truck full of aid turned up and we all (well I wasnt allowed to carry anything) put all the aid inside the hotel. Was so funny with the men all acting tough. I really do have great pics. This was donated by the PNC. So with this new aid, some of us were told to wake up by 7am to move the aid around between cars. 7am?? Sheesh. That's when I decided to go to bed, hesitately. Damascus. I've heard such wonderful things about it. Even though I didn't have time to go around it, the areas I did see looked wonderful. Nvm. Next time

Back in London

We arrived safely back in London very early this morning with no trouble :)


During our last night in Cairo, had the privilege of meeting a wonderful women, Seba, from Gaza whereby she so kindly came to collect the donated items and the remaining donations from all of you who kindly donated to pass onto the NGO, CFTA in Gaza. We may not have entered Gaza as planned but God knows best. Thank you all for your wonderful support these past 6 weeks!

Will update the rest of the wonderful journey.

We will not be defeated

Im sad to report that the aid convoy literally filled with huge amounts of medical aid from everywhere around the world with generous donations, driven all the way from the UK more then a month ago through 12 countries has been denied entry into Gaza. This proves that land convoys must continue and activists must keep pushing to make sure that the siege will be broken! The battle is not over and even though we leave heartbroken, our spirits remain stronger then ever and we will keep on.

To those who have supported me personally, thank you for everything! The aid and vehicles will be distributed to Palestinian refugees in the region and are in good hands. I am now in Cairo trying to personally meet the NGO I was going to meet in Gaza so hopefully we can meet somewhere in the middle.

To the organizers of VP6, thank you for allowing me to join your convoy, taking good care of us and for doing everything in your power to help us on this mission. I can't wait for the news of the next land convoy to Gaza. We will never give up and we will break this siege!

To my fellow convoyers who are now like my new family, I miss you greatly and I am sure our paths will cross again. It was a privilege traveling with all of you. Will be waiting for you all to come to Malaysia :D

Sorry

sorry all for my lack of updating. Been very unwell for far too long and to top it up food poisoning today but nothing too serious as was able to go to the hospital here so just need time to heal and resting as much as I can. Keep us in ur prayers!

Occupied Palestine in the distance

Jem

One can understand how anger can grow

I know I'm jumping a few days right now but I just had to write this. Its now day I think 6 or 7 (that's how sick I've been) that we are in Aqaba. I'm not going to into the details of the delay and all just yet as it will just take the focus off on what I'm feeling right now.

So its been a few days of us having to stare at the Israeli town of Eilat. For me, I didn't know it was Eilat (which is really occupied Palestine) until the 2nd night I was here. I thought all the bright lights that were soothing for me during being so ill suddenly made me sick to my stomach and I just became more upset and angry the longer I stared at it.

So right now I'm on the roof of the hotel we are staying at having some time to myself and all I see in front of me beyond the sea is Eilat, with it high rising tall buildings and planes flying in and out. I literally just want to cry and its not even land I'm from. Can you imagine being a Palestinian that was driven from your home 64 years ago and you're sitting where I'm sitting. How much sadness would you feel? How much anger would you feel? Your home is just beyond the horizon and you can't go near it. You can't go back. If you were a Palestinian how would you feel? What a developed looking town and you're living as a refugee. Now I can understand how anger can grow. Just a few days and I'm now angry. How does 64 years feel like?

I thief who steals something can never feel secure. So I wonder what the residents in Eilat think when they look over into Aqaba. I wonder if their conscience ever says how wrong it is. I wonder.

One thing is for sure, staring at it makes me want to never give up being an activist. No matter what. You know its wrong what's been happening to the Palestinians for far too long. So Israel if you think you're in the right, go on, keep stealing land and building skyscrapers on it. If it makes a simple activist feel more driven to never give up I know the Palestinians will feel it too until justice has been met.

We will never remain silent.

Jem

The Syria leg - day 1

Again sorry this has taken me so long to update. I'm still unwell but not as bad as before but I know how important it is to keep people up-to-date on what's going on so I know I have a lot to catch up on so trying my best.

Going through customs in Turkey was a challenge in itself and due to lots of paperwork we ended up having lil picnics outside (or inside for us) in the vans although it was scorching hot. Thank goodness for shade in the building (trying to pinch the wifi) or a lil picnic table under the trees. I honestly can't remember how long we were there for but it was pretty long. It was interesting though to watch normal cars with families going through the border both coming into Turkey and into Syria. Seemed like a normal border crossing to me.

When we finally got given the go ahead to continue our journey we were all ecstatic and going into Syria with Kevin greeting us with some members of the Palestinian National Council was a fab feeling. Because of the delay we had to quickly go to Latakia to meet the crowds waiting for us there but we couldn't stay which was a shame as previous convoyers would have loved to go back to the camp where they stayed at in 2010.

So off we quickly went to Latakia as daylight was slowly fading. By the time we got there though, since we are at the back and had catch up to do, our end of the convoy wasn't there for long which was such a shame as the crowd was huge! Sucks how none of the cams we have are good for night time pictures. We did have a few teenagers come by the van to say hi and welcome and take pictures. Plus we had this lovely chicken shop which I'm so upset I didn't get the name of but they gave us these huge portions of chicken (think it could have been half a chicken) with chips (oh so nice) and bread and yoghurt. One portion could feed both of us! Was funny though as due to time, we were always in our van and I had to literally pass food to Faisal as we hardly had the time to eat so it was eat and drive after waving goodbye to the crowds. Such a shame I couldn't even get out of the van to really talk to them like the group ahead. Nvm.

So off we went trying to drive to Damascus as soon as we could in the dark. By then I really didn't feel well but was trying my best to stay awake. However, due to it being I think almost midnight and being a very long day the decision was made to stay in Tartus for the night. Good decision as we just passed out as soon as we hit the pillow. Plus 6am wake up call yikes! Tartus looked wonderful though! Shops and restaurants were bustling with people even though it was late at night. Reminded me a bit of the south of Lebanon when I went to see my friend. Real seaside place. Shame we were too tired to take a stroll. Never mind

Jem

Isn't it funny...

...That some people just don't read properly yet can have so much to say.

Due to limited wifi access, I will answer questions when I'm home as if real documentation is wanted then googling is required as I'm just a simple activist doing what I've promised to my donors and the people in Gaza. But for some, as said in a previous post, are just not going to be entertained. Simple as that.

Jem

Syria - the one that caused a big hoohaa

This photo was actually taken at the Turkey-Syria border crossing but it was so nice to see the Palestinian flag with it hence why I've used this pic to talk about our trip through Syria.

Now its been known for many months that in order to get to Gaza, Syria would be one of the countries we'd have to cross through. But of course with everything that's been going on with Syria that you've been reading on the news it seemed risky to be going through there. Well I'm just gonna talk about a few facts.

One is that if you're going on a convoy to Gaza, there's already a huge risk there. In previous convoys they had some police in one country beat people in a confined space and arrested them, Israel was bombing close to where they were staying at, and let's not forget you're driving how many thousands of miles into different countries and I'm telling you now from crazy truckers I've seen, something could even happen on the road in Europe.

Two there were other routes to consider but let's look at these ones. One is going through North Africa meaning you have to go through Libya and really? The organisers were advised to NOT go through there. Another is taking a ferry from Turkey to Egypt but you know the cost of this? Aaahhh more then thousands of dollars, which none of us can pay for.

So VPA have worked really hard over the past few months speaking to ALL parties and the Palestinian National Council to make sure that the convoy had safe passing for the 3 days it was there. It was so nice to meet the Palestinians there and they took such good care of us. Plus it meant that some Syrians could join the convoy as well as getting more medical aid for the convoy. Well wasn't just more, it was an Artic truck carrying 43 tonnes of medical aid. Wow!

I've read all the negative reports from the convoy saying it supports the regime and what not but really, all this does is not only divide the Palestinian activists up but it also makes people forget about Palestine. As an activist on the convoy, I'm on the convoy for Gaza, not supporting any regime or any government. Writing this now, I've heard that in some countries the convoy route has been planned out for, between 9 to 20 people were killed.

The Middle East in general is one very unstable region with many problems ahead even though the Arab Spring happened. But it shouldn't stop Palestinian activists in wanting to carry out a convoy (which by definition is a group of land vehicles travelling together) and I guess the more countries you pass through the more people see the convoy and the more can join. Travelling from the UK all the way to Gaza is one long and can be taxing journey but every person I've met who's still with us just have one focus on their mind, Gaza.

Will blog about the actually journey through Syria in a bit but just my thoughts of everything that has been going on. If you don't want to support us that's fine but don't go attacking these people I have been travelling with for 3 weeks just because of a route. Are you with us and knowing what we are going through? No? Then keep the negativity to yourself and let us just accomplish what we have been doing and campaigning for, for some of us, for months.
Jem

Leaving Syria

Just want to say thank you to the Syrian people and the Palestinian people and committee for taking good care of us in Syria and I hope we will meet again!

Jem

All fine in Syria. Stayed the night at Tartus after a reception in Latakia & moving onto the next destination.

Goodbye Turkey!!

We've been here for one week now and at the border saying goodbye to Turkey. Its been one interesting week and I thank the Turkish people for their hospitality and generosity. To those I have met I will send my salams to Gaza.

What a journey and what a week its been!

2 and a half weeks have gone starting at UK-France-Belgium-Luxembourg-Germany-Austria-Hungary-Ukranie (since we broke down)-Turkey. Only less then a week to Gaza :D

Next up, Syria.

PS. Whilst waiting at the border to do the checks, stamp the passport etc, I saw a lot of cars (stopped counting after an hour) going out of Turkey into Syria. Interesting
Jem

Chillin while going going through customs

Jem

Faz chillin

Jem

Near the Syrian border

Jem

Approaching the Turkish border

Jem

A6 has arrived!!

Had 2 new people join us today (dunno how they did it) but doesn't it look cool. We were always wondering why isn't there an A6 and now there is :D

Last day in Turkey. Gonna get some rest so hopefully ill start to feel better.

Ttyl!
Jem

Half of the convoy

Picture of the front half of the convoy

Jem

Such a change

Driving this morning was literally flat lands and it was like driving through no mans land. So dry and dusty. We stop for lunch with a beautiful spread (felt like a buffet) and they gave free tea (which was really strong!) Then straight after we come onto a highway (finally) and its just been this kind of scenery. Beautiful! Think we've gone through 8 tunnels so far.

Jem

Snow covered mountains in Turkey

Yes again geography is really bad. Can anyone tell me the name of this mountain?

Thanks!!

Jem

Dramatic weather for dramatic Turkey :)

Just look at this picture!! At one point it reminded me of a hurricane area. Then I said as long as there are no hail stones we will be fine. 20mins later, not really hail stones but big blocks of water def came tumbling down. And we are in Turkey!! The weather has been so strange. Sun stroke in Germany and Hungary then wearing a jumper in Turkey! Just so odd.

So right now we are in Konya in Turkey and making our way down until our next destination. Should be in Turkey for the next few days. Yesterday we stayed in Ankara after being in Istanbul for 4 days at another petrol station like last nights one. Its nice how you don't have to pay for toilet use but there's been no hot water or showers for that matter so been wet wipe showers the past two days :) smell like Jasmine :p

The day we left Istanbul, which was Saturday, was a day of mixed emotions. Due to visa problems for our next country destination, we had to leave behind some of the guys that were with us. This left 4 vans with no drivers. Luckily 3 new guys, including one from South Africa had joined us plus us with no van so we each are now driving one. Just hope everything gets sorted so they can join us at the border. Meanwhile, we are still awaiting news on our vehicle but since we are driving B6 now, it will be hard to spread the drivers out when we get our van. So we shall see how it goes. After so many days of not being on the road, was so nice to be back with the convoy. Although I haven't been very well so just trying to cope with that. Will be alright.

On the 4th was 6 years since my mum had passed. I didn't even realise the date until I was reminded. No wonder I went window shopping that day! Although I did treat myself and got a lovely handbag which was bargained even further once the guy knew we were going to Gaza. His business partner then gave me a free purse :D I don't like to remember the day to be honest because it makes me feel very sad and that's what I don't want to feel right now cause there's just so many things going on that I need to deal with but I did have a lil cry and had to remind myself that she's with me on this journey helping me. Just one day at a time I guess.

Whoops gotta run! We are now off to our next destination.

Jem